Hey sounds great but you need to add more dramatisation like my example...
"Raised by his uncle, Newton Sanders, Wallace Sanders has been grim, unsmiling and riddled with doubt and bitterness ever since the death of his much admired father in the Civil War. He has sworn to find one who killed his father and kill him, but at the moment he has just moved into Alestone Town, an unruly place plagued with robbers, murderers and sometimes even both put together. When the sherriff was killed just prior to his arrival, Wallace signed up to be one, to bring order where there is chaos, and to take his ever-increasing anger out on those thilthy bandits who dare show their faces in town."
Raised by his uncle, Newton Sanders, Wallace Sanders has been grim, unsmiling and riddled with doubt and bitterness ever since the death of his much admired father in the Civil War. He has sworn to find one who killed his father and AVENGE HIM , but at the moment, he has just moved into Alestone Town, an unruly place plagued with robbers, murderers, YOU PUT THEM TOGETHER...YOU GET ALESTONE TOWN. When the sherriff was killed just prior to his arrival, Wallace signed up, to bring LAW and order , and to take his ever-increasing anger AND GUILT OUT ON THOSE WHO HAVE WRONGED AND THOUGHT THEM SELVES BETTER THEN THE LAW, AND SMARTER THEN WALLACE...MAY GOD BRING MERCY UNTO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE FELL INTO HIS, NEVER SHORTERNING, MERCILESS, CROSSHAIR.
Sorry if you didn't like it, it's jsut storywriting is the only bit i'm good at in English
and I just like adding bits to things to make it sound a bit juicier if catch my drift, no offence I love what you wrote, just try and used different words that you have already said in the past sentence, except names of course...Choose to keep it or not, up to you, but if you like it I will be happy to edit your very good character bios...
Trottski
Peace & Chicken Grease
P.S I can do a good westy cowboy voice but how do I record it??
Peace & Chicken Grease
Trottski
Lol Edit No2
You probably reading this thinking i'm such a A**hole so sorry but if you don't want that blue to be showing just change the color to brown it would look wood or something but keep up the good work it looks great...
Peace & Chicken Grease
Trottski[This message has been edited by Trottski (edited 09-06-2007 @ 03:55 PM).]