*radiocontact established*

Buzzzzzz....STOP THROWING WI.. Buzzzz... GIMME THE *&^$*& MIC, PSYKI..

"Capt Swolt of the Heavy BTOOIC Doughnut Saucer reporting, here. Greeting the USS Orion."

"We have been following this class 2 object, but it is IN FACT NOT!! It's possibly a CLASS 13 object!"

"I have sent out a BTOOIC lemoncreamed fighter to explore, yet, it hasn't reported back..."

Buzzzzzzzzzz....

OOC: We need a pic of your ship.

IC: "This is captain Carpenter of the united Federation of Planets. No, were pretty sure that comet is class 2."

BTOOIC Starship: The Doughnut

"This is Swolte the First, from the BTOOIC Starship, The Doughnut. Crap, you are right! It's.. just a comet. What have we been following the past 2.3455679 lightyears!?"

[This message has been edited by swolte (edited 07-04-2005 @ 02:39 PM).]

The Always Profitable Investment

Class
Druuge Mauler

Crew
Captain (Cpt.): Drrukk
Science Officer (SO): Zob
Medical Officer (MO): Bakdiil
Cargo Master (CM): Loogie
Medical Assistant Who Is Totally Useless (MAWITU): Yellow
Cargohand Who Hauls Weird-Shaped Boxes That Are Apparently Empty (CWHWSBTAAE): Unnamed Minor Character
Entity Who Presses The Big Red Button That Unleashes Fiery Death (EWTPBRBTUFD): Ugg

Weapons Systems
High-Recoil Cannon

Shield Systems
N/A

Special Features
Crew Discipline Area (Furnaces)

--------------------------------------

A small Druuge warship appeared out of a hyperspace portal on to the scene.

Captain Drrukk, commander of the warship, contacted the other two starships in the area with a proposal.

"Hello, Captains. I am Captain Drrukk of the Druuge StarShip DSS Always Profitable Investment. I have a particulary profitable deal to offer you. You give me all the goods on your starships or I tell Ugg here to press the big red button that unleashes fiery death. And point it in your direction, of course."

[This message has been edited by Squeeky_Dragon (edited 07-04-2005 @ 04:43 PM).]

Meanwhile, on the BTOOIC Starship HQ spacedeck, Swolte the first looks at the strange thing materializing in front of his window.

"Ahhhah, so THERE is my flashlight!! I knew I lost it somewhere! Who would have thought, I'd find it here!"

*whispering from BTOOIC crew*

"Ok, fine. Cargo?? We have no cargo! So it wants our doughnuts? Sure, kindly ship him some of the lemonfilled we have left!
*sigh*"

[This message has been edited by swolte (edited 07-04-2005 @ 04:55 PM).]

The Orion rasises it's sheilds and hails the Investment. "Is that a threat? Because if it is you should know that we are perfectly capable of defending ourselfs."

Captain Drrukk replies over the intership comm to the USS Orion:

"Yup, it's a threat. Just trying a little variation from the generic statement 'I'm going to destroy your ship if you don't hand over your cargo'. Gets a little tedious after a while, y'know. Anyways, just send over your shuttles full of cargo, and we'll be on our way. We really don't want to destroy you, like some pirates I could name. We're not really into the whole 'bloodthirsty' and 'ruthless' parts; we're just pirates. Pure and simple. Admirable, really."

Captain Drrukk replies over the intership comm to the Doughnut:

"Thanks for the lemonfilled doughnuts. They'll fetch a good price at Zigax Five, I'm sure."

"We won't be imtimidated by a band of pirates! We have no wish to fight you but if you want to pick a fight we will show you just how strong a Federation star ship can be! Terminate comunications ensign. All hands this the cpatain. Assume Red alert status, all hands to battle stations!"

[This message has been edited by Centurion Triarii (edited 07-07-2005 @ 03:55 AM).]

The BTOOIC were in a jolly mood. The API-ship (also called, the flashlight) had taken some crates of their lemonfilled doughnuts.

You DID fill them with lemon, riiiight? RIGGGHT! Don't tell me you put the lemon inside...

We all know what SHOULD happen if I push the'LEMON DETONATOR' button...

[This message has been edited by swolte (edited 07-05-2005 @ 05:35 PM).]

Captain Drrukk replies over the intership comm to the Doughnut:

"Oh, we were careful and tested to see if there were any destructive lemon substances in the doughnuts, and carefully put them in blastproof containment rooms. Actually, destructive lemonfilled doughnuts are even rarer and more profitable item; so, thanks again, Captain Swolte!"

Captain Drrukk replies over the intership comm to the USS Orion:

"Ah, that's too bad. We were hoping to settle this peacefully. Oh, well. Ugg, go press the Big Red Button, and make sure the ship is pointed in the right direction."

Despite his 'stupid' sounding name, he was actually more intelligent than many of the crazy idiots on the Always Profitable Investment. Including Drrukk.

Ugg aimed the MegaCannon expertly, and pressed the Big Red Button three times, dramatically.

The Always Profitable Investment surged backwards as the MegaCannon shot once, twice, three times, before needing to recharge.

The MegaCannon shots pounded at the Orion, ripping the shields apart. Most of the force was expended on the shields, and only minor damage was sustained to the hull of the Orion.

[This message has been edited by SqueekyDragon (edited 07-05-2005 @ 10:24 PM).]

"Damage report."

"Sheilds are down. Minor damage to secondary ablateive hull armour.

"Get those sheilds back up leiutent."

"The recharge cycle takes 45 seconds we'll be vulnerable."

"Launch the fighters to distract them and begin performing evasive manouverous. When you get the shields back up reinforce them with power from every non-crutal system." The captain then turns to the comunications officer and says. "Send out a distress signal

"Channel open sir."

"This is U.S.S. Orion calling any Federation vessels in the area. We are under hevay attack and have lost our sheilds. Repeat, we are under attack by hostile pirate craft."

[This message has been edited by Centurion Triarii (edited 07-07-2005 @ 03:58 AM).]

OOC: Can I have multiple ships?

IC:

Captain Drrukk replies over the intership comm to the USS Orion:

"We heard that! That's not fair. We're not hostile. We would have happily settled this peacefully; all you had to do was send over all your extra cargo. But, we've got to keep up our appearance of frightening pirates, so I'm afraid Ugg'll still have to keep pressin' the good ol' Big Red Button."

And so Ugg did. Pressing the Big Red Button (hereafter referred to as BRB), one sizzling hot MegaCannon shot streamed out of the giant missile tube (the one that practically took up all the space in the Always Profitable Investment).

The Always Profitable Investment recoiled farther yet from the massive recoil of the MegaCannon.

Ugg was still aiming at the Orion itself, since the Orion's fighters hadn't gotten close enough unleash any of their shorter ranged weaponry.

The MegaCannon hit true, breaking some of the outer ionized hull layers. The Orion was built sturdily, so although it was shook a little, wasn't seriously damaged. Only minor systems like the apple pie-replication systems.

Several further blasts missed, despite the best aiming of Ugg, because of the Orion's evasive maneuvers.

Then the Orion's fighter's got within range. And, at the same moment, Ugg started firing rapidly to recoil away from them.

One Valkyrie fighter bursted into a fiery explosion, as one of Ugg's wild shots hit. The cockpit, and incidentally the pilot, were automatically ejected before the explosion.

Drrukk had to throw a couple of the stupid minor characters in the Furnace to keep the massive MegaCannon firing. After all, it was all for a good cause. Well, evil really.

"U.S.S. Orion, alpha leader has been shot down. Taking evasive action."

With that both ships strafed away from each other and closed on the ship. The ship had a breif lapse in it's fieing sequence allowing the reamining valrakies to get close and unleash their deady payload of miniture quantum torpedoes.

"Direct hit sir. Assesing the damage the ship has taken now.

OOC: You're not allowed multiple ships. The distress call thing was just to add to the story.

Meanwhile on the BTOOIC starship, the crew is watching the fireworks with OOOOH's and AAAAAAAH's!!

How did he know about the lemonfilled doughnuts?
You left the mic on, sir!

Oh, ok. So he expected it. Well, what if I say something REALLY FAST and really unexpected!! Like: FIRE AN H-TORPEDO!! NOW!!

A big blast erupts from the BTOOIC Starship when Swolte the First moved his hand from the 'LD' button to the H-button, and pressed it in a REALLY superunexpected manner. For the moment there, it seemed the doughnut shaped ship became more egg-like (really) and the dreaded H-Torpedo was fired...

*========<EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK1 EEK!!! *BLAST*

----
*H-Torpedo=Hamster Torpedo (for the slow reader)

[This message has been edited by swolte (edited 07-06-2005 @ 10:52 AM).]

OOC: 'K. Just curious.

IC:

The Valkyrie's swerved off to reload their torpedo launchers, after unleashing their first barrage.

The torpedoes were very effective. Fortunately, one of them hit the Furnaces, and dissolved before it could explode.

The second was enough, however. The Always Profitable Investment shook fiercely, and on a senior technician's control panel, nearly all system functionality lights flashed yellow. A few, like Orange Pepper-class machine gun cooling systems, were flashing red.

Damage control drones quickly flooded the Always Profitable Investment, repairing what they could and quarantining what they couldn't.

Luckily, the MegaCannon was still entirely functional, even if the engines were going at 10% maximum efficency.

Then, the Hamster Torpedo streamed with the gracefulness of a hamster towards the Always Profitable Investment.

"Incoming! Looks to be a H-Torpedo, Class 93.7h!" shouted Zob, the Science Officer.

"Hydrogen Torpedo? Quickly, security, throw some more unnamed minor characters in the Furnace, and get Ugg to keep on firing at those fighters!" replied Drrukk.

The security personnel started to move.

"Actually, it's worse, sir. It's a Hamster Torpedo!" said Zob.

"A Hamster Torpedo!? Oh, noes, we need to escape! Have all those little whatdoyoucallem repair drones thingies go fix the hyperspace drive! And what do hamsters eat?"

The security personnel stopped for half a second, but then thought better of it. After all, it's always fun to throw people in Furnaces, and he hadn't actually said not to.

"I dunno, sir. We could try launching the lemonfilled doughnuts," said Zob.

"Brilliant, Zob! Brilliant! Make it so, or as I like to say, go do that," replied Captain Drrukk.

"Okay," responded Zob.

The lemonfilled doughnuts were launched, and would soon be lunch-ed*.

*Warning! Lame pun intended.

Meanwhile the Orion had recharged it's sheilds and was now preparing a spread of photon torpedoes.

"Hail the Investment. Let's see if they want to talk now."

"No respose sir. Ethier their comunication system is damaged or they don't want to talk to us."

"If they don't respond. Open fire. Valkaires, initate manouver, Orion theta 1."

"Rodger Orion."

With that the valrakires flew along the lengh of the ship fireing phaser volleys as they went before each dropping a gravatic mine on thier way out.

*Standing on the deck of 'The Doughnut', Swolte the First tried to see what was happening. The windows were covered with lemonsauce and splatted doughnut. It appeared that a lot of the lemondoughnuts thrown into space again were floating off*.

What is that Planet? Let's investigate, I never saw it before!!!

That's not a planet. That's a splatted doughnut on the window, sir.
Btw, I have good news from our sensors, the H-Torpedo has landed and is knibbling their wiring. Soon they won't have any cable TV anymore...

Oh, really?
Well, I didn't mean to be THAT cruel! I hope this 'Biological Warfare' won't bring us any bad publicity. Anyway, where is the 'Clean Window'-button? I think we have a bigger problem. Although I can't see it.

Ah, you mean the CW-button. Yes, of course, that one is... eh. Hmmm, I SWEAR it was here yesterday? *bigsmile* Ahhhh, it must have been up for repair!! *runs off*

*And so the BTOOIC Starship was blinded. Helplessly it floated through space*

=====
OOC: Sorry, no animal in it's right mind would eat lemonfilled doughnuts. Not even a Torpedo Hamster. I think you must agree. Btw, even if it did, a LEMONfilled TorpedoHamster would be an even worse idea to have on your ship!

[This message has been edited by swolte (edited 07-08-2005 @ 09:58 AM).]

The QSR Podmnožina is an ultra-light reconnaisance craft equipped with an Ablative Cloaking Device. When the device fails for any reason, its Dative Shrinking Systems render it smaller than a quark until the cloak is repaired, meaning that it can never be seen.
A picture of my ship can be found at:
file:////dev/null/qsrpod.png

Name:
Podmnožina

Class:
Quendian Space Raft

Crew:
Pilot: Børk Børksson
Ablative Cloaking Device: Haroldbot
Dative Shrinking Systems: Fredbot
General Onboard Computer: Core Dump Dumpkopf-Bot (CDDKB)

Weapons Systems:
Accusative High-Efficiency Photon Beam (Torch)

Shield Systems:
NA

Special Features:
Ablative Cloaking Device
Dative Shrinking Systems
Robot Control Implement (Hammer)

/*BørkBørkBørkBørkBørkBørkBørkBørkBørkMixMiaow*/

“Aiya, Druuge Ship. You appear to be in distress. I am Pilot Børk of the Quendian Space Raft Podmnožina. We wish to help. Do you read me? CDDKB, Autoloop message until a reply is received”

BB, not bothering to wait for an answer, waited until one of the Valks was near the Furnace, intercepted it and shone the torch into the pilot's eyes.
Accusative Torch: “YOU DID IT! YOU KNOW YOU DID IT! ADMIT IT! IF YOU DON'T ADMIT IT RIGHT NOW, YOU'LL GET SUCH A BEATING...”
Being a high efficiency torch, it was enough to blind him, and it started swerving towards the Furnace. Børk had to get out of the way of the MegaCannon quickly, though.

OOC: This is what you get for mentioning Ablateive Hull Armour...
MOOC: Børk saw two ships plus three fighters attacking one, and naturally thought that the lone one was in the right.
EMOOC:I want a cut of the profits.

[This message has been edited by Strauss der Vater (edited 07-08-2005 @ 01:24 PM).]

"Direct hit, Captain!" said Zob. "Despite our efforts, the Hamster Torpedo is now chewing at our cable TV wires!"

"Cable TV? Oh, I hardly watch cable TV. Even with all those channels, it's basically the same stuff. Ehm, I guess you should quarantine the area or something. If it bit into the Juicy Juice lines, we wouldn't have anything fruity to drink," said Drrukk.

"Yes, sir," said an unnamed minor character.

"Hey, wait a minute, Mister unnamed minor character. You're supposed to be going to the Furnace," said a security person. "I'll handle the Hamster quarantine."

The security person wandered off towards the Furnace.

Then the ship shook some.

The Valkyrie fighters had hit the Always Profitable Investment with their phasers, but not heavily.

"They've launched some gravatic mines," said Zob.

"Isn't it spelled gravitic?" asked Drrukk.

"I dunno, sir," said Zob.

"Well, evade them, I guess."

"I already did that, sir. There were only two of them"

"Well, that's good, then."

"Mmm-hmm, sir."

"Hmm-mmm."

. . .

"Oh, yeah, Captain, those Federation people want to talk with you," said Zob.

"Okay. Put 'em on the screen," said Drrukk.

Zob did so.

"So, you're going to go through the "ready to surrender" thing? If that's the case, then no. Are you? Going to surrender, that is."

. . .

"Oh, yeah, and some weird cloaking ship is hailing us," said Zob.

"Put 'em on the screen."

Zob did so.

"Sooo, you want a share o' the profits. Okay. Sure. Just start blowing up stuff.Preferably not our ship, though."

[This message has been edited by SqueekyDragon (edited 07-08-2005 @ 01:27 PM).]

*The BOOIC Starship was still without vision after the API released it's cargo. The main window was splatted with lemondoughnut and the 'CW' (Clean Window) button could not be found. In fact, it probably never even existed! The BTOOIC is in deeeeeeeep trouble and sends out a distress call to the Orion!*

--This is Swolte the First-- from the BTOOIC Starship -- 'The Doughnut' -- We are in great danger! -- Our window is cove...
KABANG!!
*Everybody fell, as suddenly 'The Doughnut' was violently shaking*

*flat on floor looking at ceiling* Arrrgh! I hurt my hat! What was that?!
*upside down* Not fun! We must have hit something!! Something invisible, like an invisible ship!
Wooohooo!! That was fun!! Again, again!!

*gets up* How do you know that if it was invisible? I mean, we cannot even see a bloody thing!!
...well, I just read that thread before.. and I thought, maybe... Oh nevermind!!
Damage report, now!

Yessir! We must have hit it dead on! sustained damage in the lower regio.. hey, wait a sec. That's YOUR job.
heheh..

[This message has been edited by swolte (edited 07-08-2005 @ 05:13 PM).]

"The Doughnut ship has been hit by something. They will not likely be able to assist us now. Captain, fighter alpha 3 is hailing us."

"Alpha 2 has been destroied. I detected flash of light before he flew out of control into their power core. He burned up before the fighter could casue any damage through a ram. It's too damgerous out here and I'm running low on diluthium. Request permission to dock."

"Granted. You may dock with Orion when ready."

"Locked on to you now. Dock con enabeled*."

"Has the ship responded to our hails."

"Yes sir. But they won't give up. In fact, they want us to give up."

"Fire photon torpedoes. Let's make them eat those words."

OOC: *Cookie for anyone who picks up game reference. Oh and we need a pic of your cloacking ship. The link you posted doesn't link us anywhere.

“Arrrgh! That crash hurt! What did you have distract me like that for? CDDKB, Damage report!”
:|“Ablative Cloaking device failing... failed. Initiating autorepair and engaging dative shrinking systems. Radio aerial bent. Reception of radio three may be impaired, but isn't for some reason. Communication channels unaffected.”
(Ablative Cloaking Device):“By, With, From. Bei, mit, aus. Par, avec, de. Ad, cum, ex. By... [etc.]”
(Dative Shrinking Systems): “Here, have a present.”
I couldn't resist it...
Homeworld. Give Cookie.
Mmmm...
Of course it doesn't go anywhere. It goes to /dev/null! The one of “flames to /dev/null” fame! Wikipedia reference. Jargon File Reference.
OK, here's a better picture, from a Google-sök.
www.hot-jewellery.co.uk/catalog/images/btb3_big.jpg]
The smaller sphere contains the drive. The radio aerial, the part in the middle, contains fuel, provisions, etc, and the larger sphere contains AI, The pilot, the gun, etc.

It turned out, Drrukk's words weren't that tasty.

The photon torpedoes ripped at the hull of the Always Profitable Investment. Large pieces of outer hull plating were shredded, leaving relatively vulnerable inner hull exposed.

The ship's lights flickered on and off for a few seconds and then restabilized.

"A damage report, Zob?"

"Yes, sir, yes. Weapons, life support, telephone line, Wibly's Extra Good Cooking Implement, and hyperspace drives are still mostly functional; however the Hamster Torpedo has chewed through our cable TV line, and the photon torpedoes destroyed the auxiliary Lemonade Makers, the Yoroi S500 Hot Dog Sizzlers, and the Laser Powered Gizmo That I'm Not Exactly Sure What It Does."

"Not good."

"No, sir."

"Nope."

"Mmm-hmm."

"Hmm-hmm, sir."

"Ugg, you still firing?"

"Firing I still am. Hitting I am still. Occaisonally."

Just then, a MegaCannon shot flew by the single retreating Valkyrie fighter.

"Good, I guess."

"Sir, so is that indeed."

"Why are you talking like Yoda, anyway?"

"Know that, I do not. Clever enough was the writer not."

"Oh."

"Mmm-hmm, sir."

. . .

The pilot laughed as the blast flew harmlessly by. She laughed. "Nice try." With that she flew around the back of the Orion and docked.

Mewanwhile on the Orion the hanger signaled that valrakrie 2 had safely docked. Then the tactical officer spoke. "Sir. I suspect they won't survive many more hits and phaser are charged. Recomend we hail them again."
"Very well." Said the captain. "Hail the vessel." The com signal flited across space and crakeled over the Investment's com system.

*Through time and space they floated! The distorted course became even more random after the bump with an invisible ship (at least, thats what the crewmember thinks). Swolte the First is trying to find a way to clear the front window*

I GOT IT!!
I'll get the rope, and you climb out the side toilet window with some dishwashsoap. Walk to the front of the ship and start rubbing!!

Good idea, not a great idea... I think I just sprained my ankle, sorry.
Yeah, me too. Hmmm, who could be...

*TIP* *TIP* *TIP* "WOOHOO! SIX MORE!! ALMOST MY RECORD!! 179390, 179391, 179392...

*Swolte and the crewmember looking at eachother*

*TIP* *Tip* *tip* *tip* ...Nooooooo!!

===FEW HOURS LATER===

Although the poor sheep got lemon all over her fur. The frontwindow was a clean as ever.

Excellent! I never thought we'd ever had it this clear. Holy Doughnut, what are all these little lights around us!

Sir, I've asked Captain Carpenter of the Orion if he needs any assistence! If not, we must seek fuel. We're running low and the crash must have spilled some.

[This message has been edited by swolte (edited 07-11-2005 @ 04:00 PM).]

BB piloted the QSR into the Orion (this was easy because of its new size), and started navigating towards the bridge, using the helpful colour-coded maps. He then looked for the cargo-bay-door-opening button. He found it, and got ready to press it when he was autmatically unshrunk (when the cloak came online).
Cookie for anyone who gets the joke in the last post and knows what Podmnožina means.

[This message has been edited by Strauss der Vater (edited 07-12-2005 @ 04:10 PM).]

OOC: Oh I forgot. Here's a cookie for picking up the Homeworld reference Vater *gives cookie* Oh and your ship couldn't just fly in. A small ship can't penetrate raised sheilds. There is an episode of Star Trek Voyager where lt.Paris tries to fly a shuttle through sheilds to prove it.

IC: "No response to our hails yet captain. But I did detect a minor disturbance in the starboard sheilds not caused by the Investment's weapon. It could be caused by impact from a soild object but it would have to be very small."

"Keep tring to raise them. I don't want to have to destroy that ship unless it becomes absolutely nessesary."

OOC:You may not have noticed the referenece to a “Quark”. The ship has been automatically shrunk as a result of the failed cloak. It is now smaller than a quark, which is the smallest particle known, and is far smaller thatn an electron. The shield is formed out particles of some sort (maybe electrons), which are round. spaces would be left. If the shield is multiple layers of particles, some navigation might be required. I did think of your shield. When the cloak comes back online, it will be automatically unshrunk. I'll make that take a little longer (ie., until we've finished arguing).

The BTOOIC ship has finally removed itself from all obstacles. The H-Torpedo 'hit' has proven extremely effective on the APS thingy.. flashlight. After Cable TV, of course, they will usually go for the lifeline... the automatic coffee machines.

'The Doughnut' contacting the Orion -- Captain Carpenter! -- ARE -- YOU -- OK? -- Your communications seem to be down! -- HELLOOOOOO!! HULLOOOOOHOOO!! CAAAPTAIN!!

You know you have to press the audio button to be heard, right?

Oh.. yes, was just practising. Hmmmm, look! They seem to have some sort of a toy on the bridge. It's like a small model of a spaceship. Look at them having fun, I see some people jumping up and down! Man, it's been a while since we had a party... remember that recruitment party, many, many years ago?

*tip* *tip* *tip* 24, 25, 26..

Step aside and lemme see! Good thing the Orion has got soo many windows. Hmmmm, indeed, nice model, should be about 5 feet long. A little unpractical, though. Oooh, it FELL, it FELL off the table!! Hey, isn't that Carpenter trying to kick it?

Hmmm, odd people, better leave them alone. Set course to the -Douwe- planet. We'll get some fuel and continue with our secret mission.

[This message has been edited by swolte (edited 07-12-2005 @ 04:43 PM).]

*small comet passing by*

[This message has been edited by swolte (edited 07-12-2005 @ 04:43 PM).]