Empire: Total War Heaven

POOR AFTY'S ALMANAC

A Record of Politics of the Heavens in the Enlightenment

To the people on the state of the Heaven: We have once again reached that time when we must decide who will represent us in perpetuity for the next six months or year – subject to the caprice of those glorious Winged Creatures from On High. In this second election of Empire Total War Heaven, many fresh faces have appeared to challenge the incumbents. A few have been re-elected and in many cases a better candidate has been found. As is the tradition, our titles are given in reference to the great poets, philosophers, monarchs, gentlemen, and lunatics of our age.

Bilderdijk
Legion Of Hell is a man who would give half his territory for the promise of trade rights and improved relations, and possibly a little bit of coin. And this diplomatic skill is surely how he was able to garner enough votes to triumph over his opponent in a close race. A dear friend of LoH was quoted as saying, “Legion Of Hell is incapable of insult. He would not urinate on his fellow man to save him from the flame, such is his commitment to the loftiest of human ideals.” Legion Of Hell could not be reached for comment. It has been reported he has traveled to negotiate the exchange of two of our territories for a cup of coffee and a new quilt.

Hume
Total War Heaven has distinguished itself from the masses as the penultimate center of Total War philosophy and education by the grace of its members’ erudition and ambition for excellence. By virtue of his gratuitous use of multisyllabic words and platitudinous phrases, Pitt has established himself as the summit of knowledge in this regard. When asked his feelings about receiving the much sought after award, Pitt replied, “It is an honourable distinction which is humbly and dutifully…” At which point the author began uncomprehendingly to stare out the window where he was entranced by a lonely sheep and even lonelier farmer engaged in a questionably legal though much more interesting activity, and was therefore unable to provide a full transcription of Pitt’s lengthy response to the simple question.

Voltaire
Once again, Legion Of Hell was able to stave off his opponent with a barrage of wit, leaving the challenger convulsing and confused. Each of his statements was succeeded by a cacophony of laughter, reverberating through the hall and addling the brains of the challenger, while lifting the spirits of the rest of the host. LoH was quoted as saying, “There could be no other result in this, the best of all possible worlds.”

Ludwig II
The two candidates of questionable sanity for this award both displayed such an intense non-conformity and unpredictability that their constituents were unable to determine whether Sondre_norge or armenian was most-deserving. When faced with such an impasse the determination was made that multiple personalities are better than one, and the award was presented to both candidates.
armenian was found by our interviewer perched precariously turning pirouettes on the barrel of a loaded cannon at the city walls. When asked about his victory, armenian replied, “I’m sure I can catch it this time. Fire!”
When Sondre_norge was asked how he felt about being presented with the award, he responded simply, “He did?” and proceeded to charge the unsuspecting interviewer resulting in an undisclosed worker’s compensation settlement and early retirement.

Kant
When one has experienced as much of life as the candidates for this award, it is considered faux pas to actively seek greater glory. It is better to resign oneself to fate and the whims of the populace. Throughout the campaign, the three candidates showed greater reserve than a corpse. When the voting was completed, Gaius’ fatherly treatment of his fellow citizens helped him edge out the victory. He accepted his prize with solemnity and quietly left with the intent of enjoying a solitary glass of wine in his easy chair before retiring early to bed.

Frederick the Great
There was fierce competition between the two leading candidates for this award. In the end, however, Army Ranger prevailed due to his sound application of diplomacy and political strategy. His many treatises on military maneuvers alone set him up as the early leader, and his skirmishing tactics proved invaluable when applied in successive conflicts. Army Ranger was never seen entering the venue, though he surprised the audience by appearing to accept the award. Unfortunately, he had slipped back into the shadows by the conclusion of the ceremony and could not be located for comment.

Von Zieten
In our aging population, Warguppy has shown himself to be the most respected of the seniors. Unfortunately, he was not present to receive his award; a memory issue prevented him from attending. Apparently, he had forgotten where he put his glasses on the day the notification arrived. The subsequent interview, also, was unproductive as Warguppy continued to slip into a dream state and could rarely remember the question, when he was lucid enough to provide an answer.

George Washington
Thrashmad has quietly gained the respect of his fellows. Thrashmad has accumulated many unexpected victories, like those Holy Warriors from New Orleans, who recently triumphed over the Men from the North, en route to Florida to do battle with General Manning, the celebrated master of cavalry. Though often unassuming, Thrashmad’s wise counsel is clearly heeded by his peers. It seems his contributions will not be overlooked any longer.

Arkwright
As evidenced by his sedulous dedication and hard work in the interest of Empire Total War Heaven, LoH has provided the answer to a question that has been on the tip of every citizen’s tongue. Legion Of Hell is, ironically, a protestant. We hope his hard work will serve him well in the afterlife.

Continental Army
Sondre_norge’s speeches early in the campaign were convoluted and difficult to follow, bordering on obscurantism. However, his continued involvement in genteel conversation and debate can no longer be ignored. Although Sondre_norge still has but one strategy, his contributions have shown marked improvement. And, though he has not yet identified the difference between “whole” and “howl,” he was able to demonstrate the latter when stopped for comment by our new interviewer before bowling him over in further demonstration of his only tactic.

Marlborough
The candidates for this award were conspicuously absent throughout the campaign. Kor, despite his nonattendance, was elected in a unanimous decision, the electorate citing his ability to “fill a room.” We hope he shows a greater presence in the near future. His award has been secured for whenever he reappears to claim it.

Von Steuben
Cauchpotato made a tremendous push to upset HussarKnight. However, the citizens were unwilling to dismiss the aid of the incumbent. When voting had ended there was a deadlock between the two. Confusion reigned during the presentation as the two recipients jockeyed to assist the other in stepping up to the stage, resulting in the two holding hands, as if dancing with no music to compel movement.

de Ruyter
Daelon, driving his enemies before him, was unopposed in this election. Daelon has once again distinguished himself as the unequaled commander of our armies, evidenced by the string of human ears he keeps around his neck. This habit is not condoned by the ethics of our military, but none seem willing to tell him. Nonetheless, Daelon will continue to lead our armies into battle, and we wish him much success.

Napoleon
Sondre_norge nominated himself for this award (which is generally frowned-upon, but makes him an oddly appropriate candidate for the award) and ran unopposed. Still, he scraped out a narrow victory. In the opinion of this author, the voting was fixed. However, if he continues along the path that led to his receipt of the Continental Army Award, I may be proven wrong. We did not seek out the new Napoleon for comment for fear of sustaining additional injuries to our staff.


OTHER HONORS:

Gumby
Economics is a challenge for all would-be Heads of State. Many of us have enough trouble with our personal finances. Luckily, readercolin has provided us with an in-depth look at managing national economies in his best-selling article, Trade and Taxes Explained.

Gibbon
Lord Morningstar’s treatise, 1704—The Battle of Blenheim, has now spent an unprecedented six months as a best seller. Through the changing of the seasons and the rising of the sun through many houses, this article has proven itself to be without peer.

Game Thread
Daelon has proven his versatility. We have seen that he is able to lay down his bloody sword for more cultivated pastimes, as he founded The Gentleman’s Club, which has proven the most popular venue for the discussion of many noble as well as base pursuits. Almost daily, gentlemen of the Heavens can be found here amid the smoke of fine cigars and sipping the finest spirits.

Favorite Unit
Contrary to the significant volume of discussion on skirmishing tactics, the people of Empire Total War Heaven have chosen the conventional Line Infantry as their favorite unit.

Favorite Faction
When asked with which faction they have the greatest affinity, a single decision could not be made. As a result the United Provinces, France, and Prussia share equally as Empire Total War Heaven’s favorite faction.

RESULTS OF OTHER ELECTIONS:

Community Awards, see Page 2
RLT Awards, see Page 2
RTWH Awards, see Page 3
M2TWH Awards, see Page 4

ETWH AWARDS RECAP:
Bilderdijk Award (nicest forumer) -- Legion Of Hell
Hume Award (most intelligent forumer) -- Pitt
Voltaire Award (funniest forumer) -- Legion Of Hell
Ludwig II Award (craziest forumer) -- Sondre_norge, armenian (tie)
Kant Award (most mature forumer) -- Gaius
Frederick the Great Award (best newbie) -- Army Ranger
Von Zieten Award (best oldie) -- Warguppy
George Washington Award (most underrated forumer) -- Thrashmad
Arkwright Award (non-staff forumer working hardest for ETWH) -- Legion Of Hell
Continental Army Award (most improved forumer) -- Sondre_norge
Marlborough Award (most missed ETWH forumer) -- Kor
Von Steuben Award (most helpful ETWH forumer - gameplay) -- Cauchpotato, HussarKnight (tie)
de Ruyter Award (best ETWH online player) -- Daelon
Napoleon Award (most likely to be promoted) -- Sondre_norge

[This message has been edited by BastWorshiper (edited 01-29-2010 @ 06:06 PM).]