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Topic Subject: First Battle For Freedom: Part 1
posted 26 October 2005 16:56 EDT (US)   
Im trying this out. I dont guarantee great results. Try it, give some feedback. And sorry, no prologue.

Chapter 1 :

Luciaus Desimus (Lu-shay-us) closed his eyes with comfort. Warmth covered his back from the mornings sun, sending chills up his spine following to the back of his neck. He brushed his hand across some dew covered grass, which he, a great general, could tell had been the site of many battles. The fresh air of this warm summer morning filled his lungs with new life, and the readyness of a lion. He opened his eyes and glanced at the bright blue sky as he arose from his kneeling position, and mounted his Stallion. He had named his horse after a great friend who had saved his life many times before; Nereus (Near-e-is), a man of power, respect and honour, who unfortunately disapeared while fighting along side of Luciaus, years ago. In a firm and inspirational voice, Luciaus began.

"Men, comrades!, today I ask you, why are we here? Do we fight to gain lands and power? Or do we fight to wipe out these Barbarians?. . .Neither, today we fight along side God himself in the presence of evil! Peace knows no home in these lands, only death, chaos and tyrany. Men, look ahead, watch as they charge, but do not fear them! For they are scared to meet you! Fear drives there twisted hearts, and they would not hesitate to take your lands and your family! But I say, be confident, you are the best warriors I have had the pleasure to fight with. And know this, our freedom, and rights as Roman's will not be threatened by these Barbarians, for I Luciaus Desimus, will strike down upon them with great vengence, and put an end to this corruption! Men, prepare yourselves, today we take back our freedom, and tomorrow we will rejoice!...Archers! volley at will, men, hold the line!"

The Barbarian Horde, nearly 10000, was almost upon them. Lucaius and his 6500 Roman army were not afraid, for they were calm and ready. One more time Lucaius yelled.

"Archers, halt. Prepare your swords." Sounding like an echoe as the officers repeated his commands. "Men, CHHAAAAAAAAAAARGE

The Roman army roared out of stance and charged toward the outnumbering Barbarians only meters ahead. Both armies hit eachother like two tidal waves colliding. Hundreds of men were instantly cut upon impact. Roman cavalry charged with no fear from both sides cutting through the Barbarians left and right flanks. Lucaius and his hosre Nereus were along side his cavalry. Through the chaos, Lucaius gleemed toward Maximus, officer of the right flanking cavalry, and noticed he had completely and surprisingly gained the right
flank.

"Maximus!" Lucaius yelled as he gave the order to surround the enemy and hit them from behind. Maximus, eager to follow his leader, gave charge with his 800 cavalry right behind him. The Barbarians filled with fear and hatred were unaware as to the current situation. Lucaius and his men had managed to form a circle around the enemy and caused them to fight on both sides. Blood sprayed on the faces of evil and good as the Roman infrantry outfought their opponents. Lucaius, still fighting and overtaking his foes, glanced toward the enemy general's position.

"Whats this?! He flees!" . .Lucaius grew excited, for he knew this battle was already won. He turned to Marcus who was the officer of the cavalry fighting along side him.

"Marcus! Hunt down that tyrant and bring him to me!"
Lucaius screemed as Marcus nodded a ordered his men to charge.

The infrantry was still engaged as they had almost finished with the last of the Barbarians. Heads and limbs of the enemy covered the battle field, blood was soaked into the ground turning the grass a dark red colour. Many Roman's were lying dead, and many more were injured. Blades that once shined, were now covered with blood and bits of flesh. Lucaius was proud of his brave men who had fought with more honour and skill than he had ever seen. Rounding up his men and gathering the brave souls who had passed away for proper bariels, Lucaius knew that this battle was only the beginning to many many more.

Sorry if this short storry sucked. I tried. Anyway, leave feedback so I know otherwise. Thanx

Replies:
posted 26 October 2005 18:01 EDT (US)     1 / 6  
It didn't suck, man. Give yourself more credit. You did a good job, but are you saying that this is it? The end? You must right more. I would like to read more of this story, hopefully.

Keep righting. Good stuff.

posted 26 October 2005 19:25 EDT (US)     2 / 6  
Thanx for the comment, good, or bad, any advice is good to get. I will write more, I didnt plan that story, just wrote it sentance by sentance, Will be more.

Thanx

posted 27 October 2005 02:57 EDT (US)     3 / 6  
It's a lot better than the first tries several people have. This was by far better than my first story.

A few points: Some spelling mistakes, not many but there were a few. You could try and put a bit more description in the battle because it was a bit short (It could just be me, but I like reading long battles).

Apart from that it was a good story. Keep it up, practice makes perfect.

posted 27 October 2005 09:47 EDT (US)     4 / 6  
Emperor Augustus:: Thanx for the feedback. And I think we got off to a bad start with the other posts in strategy discussion. I read you stuff, and its great writing, and story line. thanx for the tips.

Undefeatable

posted 28 October 2005 05:34 EDT (US)     5 / 6  
Bad start? Us? Never...
posted 04 November 2005 10:07 EDT (US)     6 / 6  
Well, what can you do?
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