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Topic Subject: First Battle For Freedom: Part 1 :: Chapter 1 Cont...
posted 27 October 2005 16:22 EDT (US)   
11:24 PM, July 13th, 59 AD. Base Camp of Lucaius Desimus.

-Dearest Wife- The God's have smiled upon me my love. All is well, and my love for you grows stronger than ever. Yesterday was a glorious day for all of Rome. My prayers were answered as my men fought more bravely than ever before. I could not ask for anything more. Although, sometimes my heart is filled with sorrow. It's been too many years sinc. . . .

"General Lucaius Sir!" "Riders approaching!"

Lucaius was startled by this interuption. His pen had swayed from it position on the paper leaving him with half a word, and an intolerable line. Lucaius was a man of great pride, honour and respect. This scribbled line was unacceptable. It was sloppy; if Lucaius was a man of sloppyness, the battle yesterday would be lost, and he, possibly dead, or worse, captured by the enemy. He arose quickly from his chair like he had been insulted.

"Who is it that approaches?" Lucaius asked.

"Sir, riders from Rome bring us news." The soldier was respectful as he lowered his head and backed up a few feet as to give Lucaius the floor. The riders dis-mounted their horses and handed Lucaius a letter which was sealed with Rome's Imperial Seal.

"General Lucaius, I was ordered to deliver this to you myself." Stated the messanger, who was just as eager to know of what news was so important, that it be rushed to General Lucaius during his campaign with the Barbaian Horde's. Lucaius nodded with a frown. The soldiers and messangers knew he was serious with frustration as he turned and walked back into his tent.

-General Lucaius Desimus- Rome is in need of your service. Emperor Nero Claudius Ceaser orders you and your army to march at once. Rome is threatend by a new enemy, rebel forces. You are to rendevous with General Galba and his forces to await further instructions. He waits for you outside of Rome -

Furious with this order, and already frustrated from being interupted, Lucaius through his table across the tent, smashing his ink bottle on the ground. His guards outside rushed in to defend Lucaius from whatever might be the problem. His letter to his wife Julia would unfortunately have to wait.

"Everything is fine, take your leave, you deserve some much needed rest." Uttered Lucaius over his heavy breathing.

"Thank you sir!" Both soldiers said at the same time.

"Maximus! Break the news to the men; at dawn, we march for Rome, were going home my friend." Lucaius knew that even though they were going back to Rome, seeing their homes and loved ones would still have to wait. Minutes later, Lucaius heard his men yell with joy, as they began singing a song about The Great General and Man, Lucaius Desimus. Troubled, Lucaius knew; The campaign of the Rebel Wars was beginning.


PLEASE let me know what you guys think so far! Chapter 1 is done.

Replies:
posted 27 October 2005 22:50 EDT (US)     1 / 7  
Nice set up, I'm looking forward to more.

ATTACK! This is Total War, not Total Wary!
posted 28 October 2005 00:27 EDT (US)     2 / 7  
Nice story, it would help to make it longer.

By this I solemnly swear that the day is coming when the Greeks one and all will miss Achilles badly, and you in your despair will be powerless to help them as they fall in their multitudes to man-slaying Hector. Then you will tear your heart out in remorse for giving no respect to the best of the Greeks. - Swift-footed Achilles, The Iliad
posted 28 October 2005 05:51 EDT (US)     3 / 7  
It is still good. But could you post the story in the one topic so we don't have a hundred different topics all containing the one story?
posted 28 October 2005 08:41 EDT (US)     4 / 7  
Sure, Ill keep the story on this same post. And make it longer.

Thanx for the feedback. . .Chapter 2 soon

posted 28 October 2005 19:53 EDT (US)     5 / 7  
I agree with EA, battles should be written out to where the words form a visual image. A good description can create the sounds, and even the smell of battle.

Keep working on it.


ATTACK! This is Total War, not Total Wary!
posted 29 October 2005 08:51 EDT (US)     6 / 7  
I like all the ideas and all the things you're writing about, the part where he smashes the ink bottle on the ground caught my attention for some reason. Only, in my opinion some of the sentences could be touched up. Maybe refrase a couple and use a different word in one or two places. But on the whole, it seems like it has a lot of potential.


I'm writing a story on the wars between Pyyrhus and the Romans, i'll post it soon.


Imagination is more important than knowledge - Einstein
posted 04 November 2005 10:22 EDT (US)     7 / 7  
Im anxious to read it lmao
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