Anchorman: We'll return you to your regularly scheduled program, Survivor: Atlantis, in just a moment, but we have a breaking news story. After days of waiting, that idiot who is hosting the forumer awards finally decided to show up. We send you to Joan and Melissa Rivers, who are covering the event live from the red carpet.

-------------------------------------

Joan: Welcome to our live coverage of the May 2006 RTWH Forumer Awards. The forumers are just arriving, and heading in to see the show.

Melissa: Here come our seraphs, Glory of Sparta and Crazed Ewok.

Cheers erupt from adoring fans in the crowd.

Joan: Look! It's yakcarmkur....yakcakirk?....err.....whatever his name is. Anyway, I hear he's in the running for several of the awards.

Melissa: Oh my God!!! It's Wartrain and Doitzel!!!

Joan: Where?

Melissa: Gotcha.

Joan smacks Melissa.

Melissa: Don't you ever get my hopes up like that again. Here comes Jax though...oh my...

Jax walks down the red carpet, wearing nothing but a pink thong. Cries of disgust mixed with a few whistles come from the crowd.

Joan: Well...that certainly is an interesting outfit choice.... What's that up in the sky?

Random Forumer 1: It's a bird!

Random Forumer 2: No, It's a plane!

Melissa: It's Superman!!!!

Joan: No you idiots, it's our host for tonight, FlyingMonkey! Why would the let a monkey host an award show?

Melissa: Who knows. Well, I guess that means it's time for the show to start. Let's head inside.

-----------------------------------------------

FM: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Third Semi-Annual Forumer Awards. Hosted by yours truly. Before we start, a quick reminder from the academy. Please keep your acceptance speeches under 30 seconds, or suffer the consequences....

Our first award is for Favorite RTWH Forumer. The winner is... umm... the envelope is empty...

Angry mutterings arise from the crowd. Maximus stands up and throws a shoe at FM, hitting him in the forehead. A masked goon steps out of the shadows and shoots Max with rhino tranquilizers. He passes out, and is dragged to the side of the room by the goon. A man comes onto the stage holding a piece of paper, and gives it to FM.

Nausicaa: Note to self: never let a primate host an award show.

FM: Sorry about that, the winner of Favorite RTWH Forumer is yakcamkir!!

Yak comes onto the stage to accept his award. Cheers erupt from the crowd. They attempt to chant his name, but most of the forumers are unable the pronounce it, so the chant dies off.

FM: Our next award is for Favorite RTWH Staff Member. The winner is Jax!

Jax comes onstage, still wearing only a thong. Some crowd members stare intently at him, but most have their eyes covered. FM hands Jax the award, making sure not to touch him.

FM: Our next award is Favorite Newbie. The winner is EnemyofJupitor!

EoJ comes on stage, looking completely lost. He takes the trophy, and wanders off in the wrong direction. A security guard leads him back to his seat.

FM: Moving to the complete opposite end of the spectrum, our next award is for Favorite Oldie. Once again, yakcamkir is the winner.

Cheers erupt from the crowd again. Another attempt at a yakcamkir chant is made, but it still fails miserably.

FM: The next award is presented to the Most Improved Forumer. There was a tie for first place, with Undefeatable and EnemyofJupitor each recieving eight votes. We only have one trophy, so we're going to lock the two of them in a steel cage and let them fight for the trophy. The last one alive wins!

EoJ and Undefeatable enter the cage, and immediately start beating the crap out of each other. Undefeatable repeatedly bashes EoJ's head against the side of the cage, eventually knocking him out. Undefeatable raises his arms in celebration, and heads towards the exit. He slips on a puddle of EoJ's blood, and falls, cracking his head open on the ground.

FM: Ouch... Well I guess we'll have to deal with that later, assuming that both of them surive the life-threatening surgeries they're going to have to undergo... On a lighter note, the next award is for the Most Unpredictable Forumer. The winner is MaximusDecimus, by a single vote.

Maximus enters, stumbling across the stage. The effect of the rhino tranqs hasn't worn off yet. He grabs the trophy, attempts to eat it, and cracks several of his teeth before turning to the microphone. He stands there, mumbling something inaudible for 30 seconds. The masked goon appears off to the side of the stage. He raises the rhino tranquilizer gun once again, and fires into Max's neck. Max's body falls off the stage into the orchestra pit. His head gets stuck in a tuba. The goon tries and fails to pull the tuba off. Shrugging his shoulders, he grabs Max, and carries him and the tuba back to his seat.

FM: I did say to keep your speeches under 30 seconds... Anyway, Most Predictable Forumer is the next award. Unsuprisingly, the winner is Seany Boi.

Seany comes on stage, accepts the award, and give a boring speech thanking everyone he knows. Crickets are heard chirping in the background.

FM: That was...exciting... Moving on, we have the award for Most Realistic Forumer. Johndisp is this year's winner.

John comes up and accepts his award. The crowd oohs and ahhs at his shiny new green name.

FM: The next award is for the geniuses out there, Most Intelligent Forumer. Yet again, yakcamkir is the winner. I'm really starting to get sick of this guy.

Yak comes on stage, accepts the award, and lectures the audience about the meaning of life. He finishes, and sits back down, leaving the crowd still trying to decipher what he was saying.

FM: The next award is for Most Helpful Forumer. Winning by a landslide is Wartrain. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to attend the awards tonight. His trophy will be stored in a deep underground vault guarded by dragons. He can go down there and pick it up whenever he returns.

Most Mature Forumer is the next award, and once again the winner is Johndisp.

John comes on stage again, looking old and wise. He takes the trophy, maturely thanks those who voted for him, and returns to his seat.

FM: Moving on, the next award is for Least Mature Forumer. Seany Boi wins in another landslide.

Seany accepts his trophy, then whines about not winning more awards. FM tries to get him off the stage. Seany throws a temper tantrum and punches FM in the face before running out of the building crying.

FM: Oww... Our next award is a sad one, Most Missed Forumer. Doitzel is the winner, but since he's not with us his award will be stored in the underground vault with Wartrain's. I bet Doitzel's ghost is going to be pretty upset about this though. He told you guys not to vote for him...

The next award is for Most Underrated Forumer. I've never really understood how this works, how can you be underrated and win an award? Anyway, the winner is TotalWarFanatic.

TotalWarFanatic goes on stage and accepts the award. Unenthusiastic applause comes from the crowd. Looking disappointed, he sits back down.

FM: The next award is for the forummer who you think is the spawn of Satan. We have a four way tie for Most Evil Forumer. FD2, mebertus, yakcamkir, and MaximusDecimus all recieved three votes. We're not going to have another duel, because these guys would probably blow up the universe, so we've cut the trophy into four pieces.

The four evil forumers walk on stage, each plotting on how to take over the world (Max still looks confused as to where he is, but he has managed to remove the tuba). They glare at each other as they take the award. Fear fills the faces of everyone in the audience.

FM: Phew, I'm glad they're gone. The next award is for the Least Evil Forumer. Our lovely seraph GloryofSparta is the winner.

GoS comes on stage, wearing a halo, a pair of wings, and playing a harp. The crowd goes wild as she accepts the award.

FM: Best Duo/Trio is our next award, and the winners are Johndisp, KaiserWinterfeldt, and MaximusDecimus.

The three forumers head onto the stage, and begin the dance routine they had been rehearsing. Max trips over his own feel and falls flat on his face. He gets up, grabs his trophy, and starts beating FM over the head with it. Once again, the masked goon comes out with the tranquilizer gun. He shoots Max in the neck again. He falls the the ground and starts drooling. The other two winners carry his unconscious body back to his seat.

FM rubs his head.

FM: What does he have against me anyway?

The next award is for the best thread. The winner is *snickers* I am forced to avoid girls, made by none other than Skidbladnir.

Skid comes on stage to accept the award. Cries of disgust come from the crowd because of the awful smell filling the building. Skid takes his award, looking embarrassed, and leaves the room hastily.

FM: The next award is for the artistic forumers. The winner of Best Signature is... uh oh... MaximusDecimus.

FM runs off to the side of the stage, hoping to avoid another injury. Max is still dazed in his seat. He tries to go get his award, but he is unable to get out of his seat. The masked goon takes the trophy and hands it to him.

FM: The next award is for the forumer with the Best Location. Winning by a margin of just one vote is Marcus Orentius with "Tiptoeing through the tulips". Wow, that must suck to be the person who came in second.

A man walks over to FM and whispers in his ear.

FM: What!?! I came in second? DAMN IT!

As Marcus is walking to accept his award, FM takes the trophy and throws it at him. It hits Marcus in the chest and he falls over.

FM: That's what you get for beating me!

The winner of the next award, Funniest Forumer, is Jax. Oh God, here we go again

Jax comes on stage again, once again deciding that he doesn't need to wear clothes. He takes his trophy, and does a pole dance around the microphone stand before exiting.

FM: Hopefully that's the last we'll have to see of him... The next award is Craziest Forumer. Winning his third award today is Seany Boi.

Seany walks up again, and starts pouring gasoline on the stage. He drops a match, grabs his trophy, and runs away cackling insanely. The audience panics and tires to escape the building. A fire truck arrives outside and blasts the stage with water, evenutally putting the fire out. A large, scorched hole is left in the middle of the stage.

FM: Alright, well the show must go on. Sexiest forumer is the next award. The winner is... oh come on, not again... well, Jax is the winner. Hopefully he's dressed this time.

All the women in the audience (and some of the men) whistle as Jax comes on stage dancing and once again wearing only a pink thong. FM pushes him into the pit left by the fire. The straight forumers cheer loudly.

FM: We've got another tie for the next award, Weirdest Forumer. KaiserWinterfeldt and Seany Boi both recieved five votes.

Seany and Kaiser go on stage, wearing yellow jumpsuits. They take the awards, and return to their seats. Kaiser licks his trophy.

FM: Alright then... The next award is the Doitder Award, for the forumer who is most dedicated to the forums. The winner is yakcamkir, yet again.

Yak goes on stage to accept his award. Another attempt at a yakcamkir chant breaks out, and this time the crowd almost gets his name right.

FM: The GloryofSparta Award is next. Here to present it is none other than GoS herself.

The crowd erupts with cheers.

GoS: The GloryofSparta Award honors the forumer who shows the most charisma and leadership. This year's winner is Johndisp.

John recieves his award from GoS, thanks her, and gives the crowd a powerful motivational speech.

FM: We have one final award tonight. Here to present the award which was named after him is none other than our furry friend, Crazed Ewok.

Crazed: The Crazed Ewok Award is given to the forumer who you think has the best chance of becoming a staff member or recieving a promotion. The winner is yakcamkir once again.

Crazed hands yak his award. Many crowd members discuss how sexy yakcamkir would look. They start a chant up again, and finally get the pronounciation right.

FM: Took you guys long enough. It's not really that hard to pronounce.

Well, we've reached the end of the show. Thank you to everyone who participated in the nomination and voting process. Special thanks to Nausicaa for organizing the awards and counting the votes. Congratulations to all the winners. See you guys at the afterparty.

Sorry it took so long.