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Topic Subject: A Midwinter's Tale- the 8th Semi-Annual Awards Presentation
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posted 28 January 2009 04:00 EDT (US)   
It was night.

A blanket of black velvet coated the sky, allowing pinpricks of light to shine through. Upon that blanket rode a silver disk, illuminating the sea beneath and the single dragonship that rode through the swirling waters towards its destination.

The wind swept off the ocean like an invasion of air onto the frost-covered sandy shores coming into view before the longship. The blonde-haired captain looked up at the stars, then at the rising horizon. The stars said he was on course, but he had yet to see land-bound confirmation. There. He could make out the tiny light of a distant lantern swinging in the wind and knew he was on course. Almost there. The dragon prow chewed through the waves, and then into the surf, bringing him and his crew closer to their destination. As the roiling sea calmed, he gave the warning to his crew of the impending impact.

The ship beached with a resounding clap, throwing those not braced for it to the deck. The crew were Northmen for the most part, and knew to brace themselves when approaching a shore. The few foreigners among the crew learned the hard way how to handle the beaching of a longship- do what the crew does, when they do it. Or kiss the deck and lose some teeth until you do.

The captain called his first mate over and handed him command of the ship by the ancient tradition of placing the man's hands upon the steerboard. The first mate responded by handing his captain a warm, woolen red cloak stolen from a Saxon killed in battle.

"Fare thee well, Torstein Arnesen," the captain said. "I shall not be gone long. Have the men rest for an hour or two, then prepare the ship for the journey home."

"Do not be late, Kjell Atlesen," the first mate replied. "You know how our lord dislikes that."

Kjell nodded, and climbed over the gunwale to drop into the surging tide. He was a tall man, with long legs- cavalryman's legs. Even so, the freezing January water almost reached his manhood. Torstein, a hand or two shorter than Kjell, was very glad that his captain had chosen to deliver the Great Sack himself. The thought of that icy water caressing his crotch made him shiver. He saw his captain had his footing and was looking at him expectantly. Torstein nodded and threw him the Great Sack- the reason for this hazardous wintertime sortie and perilous midnight beaching.

The Great Sack had caused quite a stir when it arrived in the stronghold at Rånåsfoss, Kjell remembered. The jarls and champions were gathered for the annual Midwinter's fires and jultida, to celebrate the returning of the sun. Winter was just beginning, but the priests and the wise ones have confirmed that the sun was indeed beginning its return.

Then, amid the great feast of lutefisk and pinnekjøtt, a whirlwind of sparks and comets erupted. Hardened men cringed at this awesome display of wizardry, while others leapt forward with steel in hand and ‘Valhalla’ upon their lips. The whirlwind contracted and faded, and there was the Great Sack, sitting on the dinner table between the klippfisk stew and reinsdyr steaks.

"Odin!" cried a Birkebeiner jarl. "What mysterious thing is this?"

A large and bearded Viking Lord from Hedmark poked it with his sword. It did not move, but his sword point slid easily from its canvassed coating. He leaned back, stumped, then thrust mightily at the sack.

The sack repulsed his sword and the resulting unexpected deflection and loss of expected resistance caused the warrior to lose his balance forward. Put shortly, he fell into the stew for his effort, soiling his fine furs and beard.

"Look!" cried a woman, pointing to the top of the bag. She was the only female at the main table, a brazen lass wearing the linked chainmail armor of a warrior. The sword at her side showed signs of much use, and her dark hair was cut short in the way of the Warrior. She was a Viking as much as any man there and better than most, which had earned her a high seat at this gathering of heroes. And they knew it was a well-earned honor she reaped- piles of their champions lay dead in her wake. "There is a scroll, and a seal."

Heilgar hefted his battleaxe. He was a bear of a man, and the axe was well-suited for his brutal style of fighting. "I shall break the seal, and then we can see what is inside this evil bag."

He swung his axe mightily against the waxen seal. The axe shattered.

"Thor's Mighty Hammer!" he cursed. "That axe could crush shields like splinters! Who here has a hammer, that I may smash the thing open!"

"Try reading the scroll," Kjell Atlesen had proposed in a bored voice. "Like Gunnhild suggested."

Heilgar muttered some curses into his beard. That was wise, for though he was a reputable warlord, he knew that both Gunnhild and Kjell could probably best him at a holmgang- especially now that his axe was laying about the fish stew in several very small pieces. Heilgar puffed himself into some semblance of dignity while pulling bits of stewed fish from his beard, then disclosed sheepishly, "While I can track a Svenske across bare rock in summertime, I cannot make neither heads nor tails of those cursed runes."

"I can read runes," Geir Ulfsen said. He moved to the sack and reached for the scroll. He fully expected the sack to dodge his clumsy attempt to seize the scroll, or to zap him with burning lightning or some such. But the sack dumping the scroll into his open palm... that he never expected. He hastily backed up with the scroll in his massive hand and unraveled it.

"It is addressed to the Viking King," he said. "And I quote its contents as: This sack contains all that you need. It was signed with the runes of a master Brythonic priest, or teacher. I can’t decide which."

"Then we must take it to the king," Heilgar concluded. "Who is the Viking King this year? Magnus Olsen?"

"Magnus died fighting in England," Kjell reminded him. "A lucky arrow in a piss-poor raid."

"Harald Sveinsen?"

"Harald has laid claim to the islands north of Britannia, and has given up the Call of the Viking," said another.

"Sven Oskarsen?"

"Dead these two years past."

"Thorir Widmark?"

"Disappeared over the seas to the West."

"That leaves only one, and he is to in the south, on a daring midwinter sortie," Kjell replied. "And you all know who that is."

"That old drunkard is still around?" Gunnhild spat sharply. "I thought him retired eons ago!"

"He is still around," laughed Kjell, adding with a wink, "and he hasn't drank more than two tankards of ale in a single passing of the sun since that night he sired you."

Gunnhild cursed, then rose and drew her sword. "Then I guess it is up to me to visit my father again, and give him this sack and this steel at the same time."

"I will take him the sack," Kjell announced, putting his hand upon the Viking woman's shoulder. "You stay here and guard our realm. The Svensk are encroaching upon our lands in Värmland, while the Danes grow ever stronger to the South. I shall take the Sack to him."

And thus it was decided.


The Great Sack was loaded onto a sled to be dragged down the frozen Glomma towards the sea. Kjell led the expedition, and with him was a chosen crew of one hundred. Alf, the brave son of Thorbald the Withered, was his second in command. He was a good man, a veteran of many duels and even more battles. He was a steady second, who one day soon will be rewarded with a ship and crew of his own, so that he may sail the sea as a Viking lord.

Other worthy warriors were also selected, and quite a few volunteered- for though many had heard the myriad tales of the current Viking King, few have ever laid eyes upon him. It was said he vanished one day from his land-locked realm to begin a new life upon the waves. Tales of his voyages and piles of his plunder returned in such large quantities to lift the starving people of Sudrheim to such heights of grandeur that the surrounding jarls were made envious. Yet men like Kjell Atlesen and Alf Thorbaldsen rallied to those tales and swore their swords to the Viking King. Knowing such strength guarded the otherwise barren lands, the jarls remained in their strongholds and grumbled, but undertook no sorties against him.

The journey went unremarked, fur-clad men pulling their sled of supplies and the Great Sack over the frozen river towards the sea. Soon they would have to seek shelter and begin overland, for the mighty Glomma would empty into the Øyern, a vast inland sea, before narrowing again by Fetsund, where the Viking King had allies. But the travelers would not reach Fetsund in a day, and in passing Lillestrøm, they would not go to Fetsund at all.

A shower of arrows and axes fell among them.

The missiles, launched from the shoreline, scattered about the travelers or rebounded from their thick armor. In some places, arrows stuck in furs, and in only two instances did a man fall bleeding upon the ice.

“Guard the Sack, Alf,” Kjell ordered, slinging his shield from his back onto his hand. “Wulf, you and your comrades return the greeting to our friends over there. There rest of you, follow me!”

Twenty Vikings unlimbered their own bows amid the falling shafts and sent those self-same shafts plus their own flying into the brambles by the shore. Kjell and the rest charged forward, mindful of the ice, but eager to come to grips with those foolish enough to challenge this war party.

Egil Olafsen and his hunting party replied to this challenge by casting down their bows and counter-charging. Though Egil’s men numbered only fifty and their attackers eighty, he did not hesitate. These eighty were on his land, and he was a Viking Lord of note.

Kjell did not know Olafsen on sight, nor did Egil know Atlesen by other than reputation. Thus when the two met and steel clashed, they found themselves in a duel worthy of both their legends. Their swords clanged with horrible strength upon each other and the shields. The footing was treacherous, and the sun low in the southern sky as was normal for this time of year- blinding whoever was facing it. The two lords circled, striking and parrying, each trying to get the advantage.

Around them the men of Lillestrøm fell, and when enough had fallen, the rest knelt and pled for mercy.

“Yield,” Kjell wheezed. The fight had taken a lot out of him after the cold, icy journey.

“I yield to no trespasser,” Egil wheezed back. “I defend my land, as is my duty!”

“We are on the river, fool,” Kjell reminded him. “The river is for all, especially envoys of the Viking King bearing him post!”

Egil backed away. “You serve the Viking King?” he asked in awe. His sword lowered slowly until the point rested on the ice.

“Aye,” Kjell replied. “We bear yon sack to him, as bidden by a mighty wizard.”

Egil knelt. “Apologies, friend,” he uttered, expecting no more than decapitation.

“Stand up, lord,” Kjell admonished, sheathing his own sword. “Offer us hospitality in your hall for the evening, and we will reckon all debts cancelled.”

Egil Olafsen agreed, and thus Kjell and his band acquired warm shelter for the night, in order to complete their journey on the morrow well-rested and fed. On Egil’s advice, they would not risk the treacherous Øyern ice, but rather go west over land to Oslofjord, a large town with a well-traveled harbor. There they can easily hire a ship to take them to the Viking King. Egil himself volunteered to guide them.

Oslo had been ruled by jarl Eirik the Bloody-Handed since the days when the Viking King was but a ship’s captain. From his fortress of Akerhusfestning overlooking a sheltered natural harbor, Eirik commanded all who would enter or leave his town. He sought were-geld and taxes from all travelers and paid homage to neither jarl nor king. His men confronted the travelers, and threatened violence should they refuse to pay. Kjell had smiled and hefted his sword, saying merely "Bring it on, nithing. The Viking King pays taxes to no petty rival."

Those were magic words. Upon hearing the name of the lord for whom the sack was meant, Eirik’s men backed away and allowed the Vikings to pass. Later, when the jarl of Akershus heard for whom the Great Sack and its escort were bound, they were summoned to the festning for a feast and hospitality.

Eirik was an old man, once a legend upon the sea. Now he was considered nothing more than a thief who preyed upon hapless travelers. With his iron hold on the town, Oslo shrank in population and power, while the mighty trading fleets of Hansa ships went to Bergen or Stavanger to trade, leaving but fishermen and few risk-taking traders to come to the once-great market under the fortress.

“So you bear a gift for the Viking King,” he cackled softly. “And enter my realm bearing it. There is a price for such deeds, but because of thy audacity and courage, the price shall be low.”

“We shall pay the were-geld,” Egil Olafsen said with a smile. “And then be on our way. And later, those coins shall be collected with interest by the Viking King, who wishes to install a new and better lord over his old hometown. He wishes to see this town grow, and become the main city of all of Nordheim.”

Eirik blanched. He could call upon four keels of warriors, but those men fight not for Oslo but for fear of his wrath. The Viking King could call upon fleets of warriors, who fight for him gladly. This was not a time to pinch pennies or harbor old grudges. Egil was right. This was an opportunity for conciliation.

“My old rival,” he said, puling on his beard. “He has come far, and the cause of our rivalry has grown so old that it gathers moss in the garden. Since he himself is not present to negotiate an end, I shall make a gesture of peace. An overture for friendship, if you will. On the morrow you will depart, after sampling my hospitality and generosity. You may take you pick of the four ships drawn up on the sand by the market for your journey- and without crew to watch over you. This is my gesture of peace.”

“We accept,” Kjell Atlesen said. “And we thank you. The Viking King shall hear of this gesture, and we who partake of you hospitality shall speak your praise to his ear.

“Good,” jarl Eirik agreed with a nod. “Tonight we feat, tomorrow you sail. Luck and Fair Winds!” You will need them both, the wizened old man thought to himself.



"Ship ahoy!" called Oddmund from the prow. The longship was five days out of the Skaggerak and well into the North Sea. "Looks like a Dansk longship, coming in askew from abaft. I count twenty oars on this side."

Kjell looked to his own ship, twenty oars to a side. They were about even. Still, he was on a mission. He doubted he had the time or manpower to take that ship from its crew and return it to harbor for a hefty ransom. No, he needed the money not, and he had given his promise to deliver the sack first. He would allow the Danes to sail on unmolested, if they do the same for him, and said as much.

"Small chance of that, Kjell!" Oddmund called. "They are coming about, right for us, and gaining speed!”

Kjell looked to his sail and saw it hanging sadly flaccid. There would be little chance of escape by wind power alone, but he had no desire to flee anyway. “Come about,” he ordered, instructing the portside crew to back water while the steerboard side rowed forward. He threw the steering blade as far to the side as it would go, and the mighty ship spun about to face the its aggressive sister.

"Ship oars," Kjell commanded. "Let them come alongside and then we take their ship as well. Armor up, boys, and don't forget to tie your dummy cords to your weapons!"

The men did as ordered, drawing on their heavy armor and tying cords from their belts to loops of steel upon the hilts of their swords. This was an ancient custom, and one well-worth the trouble. Battles at sea were often the same as battles on land, and if one was knocked down, one could lose one's weapon. On land that is no problem- simply pick it up again and keep fighting. At sea, however, that life-saving blade may well fall overboard to be lost in the depths below, or kicked away where it does no good. With a dummy cord, just pull the cord and get your weapon back.

The Danes were rowing like mad to reach the impudent Norsemen who dared violate their waters in wintertime. Kjell smiled- the Danes were tiring themselves as well as wanting to fight with no armor. Silly that, with these temperatures- a man overboard would freeze to death before he drowned. Better to fight in armor. The fool will pay for his eagerness.

"Lift the Sack!" he ordered. "Move it to the front of the ship and await the throwing of axes!"

"We are giving our lives to defend the damned thing!" one Viking roared. "Now you want it placed to absorb axes?"

"Trust me," Kjell replied, remembering Heilgar’s axe. "I know something you do not about that bag."

The Vikings shrugged and did as their captain ordered. The Danes were almost alongside, and Kjell cursed as he saw the ship up close- every other oarhole was used- the ship did not have a crew of eighty, it had a crew of a hundred fifty!

"Cast axes!" the Danish captain bellowed. His men obeyed, and a wave of axes left the Danish vessel.

"Raise shields and Sack!" Kjell replied. The Norsemen raised their shields and the Great Sack.

The wave of axes thudded into shields in some places, but most broke upon impact when they hit the Sack. The Danes cried in disbelief, and Kjell rammed that down their throats with his own wave of axes.

"Grapnels away!" he ordered. The Danish captain echoed the command, and the two ships slammed broadside into one another. The Danes and Norsemen stormed onto each other's ship, blades whirling and warcries screaming.

Kjell cut his was through the Danes and charged the enemy captain. He had to duck a battleaxe and allow his armor to absorb the impact of two swords before he reached him, but reach him he did- standing by the helm of the Danish ship surrounded by the carcasses of his men killed in the Norse axe-wave. Here they fought a holmgang while their men fought and died amidships.

The Dane was a bear of a man, hardy and cruel. Kjell was a giant among his people, tall and muscular. He deflected and parried the great sword of the Dane a dozen times, gaining the man's measure, while he himself hacked only a time or two.

"Eirik sends his regards," the Dane laughed. "And I, Bjørn the son of Bjørn, shall thank him for this delivery of fine Norse meat for my tables."

Behind him, Kjell heard the screams of wounded and dying men- more screams were in the flat Jylsk dialect than his own vocal Østlandsk. He smiled to himself. His armored men were winning over the unarmored Danes. It was time to end this farce and get on with the journey, so that he could the sooner return to pay Eirik back for his treachery.

He whirled about, swinging his sword behind his back to deflect the blow he knew the Dane would launch at his unprotected rear- then continued his pirouette to bring his blade in a lethal arc at neck height with such force that it bashed aside the Dane's parry and neatly decapitated him. The Dane's trunk spouted a fountain of blood and fell, and with him died the nerve of his crew.

The rest was easy. Those Danes still alive were given a choice- to join their former captain, or their new one. Nodding and kneeling, they vowed to serve Kjell Atlesen as faithfully as they had Bjørn Bjørnsen, whose lifeless eyes still glared in surprise at his former crew.

Kjell made his disposition. The new crew was to be divided, and Alf Thorbaldsen was given command of the new ship. Torstein, son of Arne, was chosen to replace him as second on the original ship. Now numbering a respectable hundred thirty, the small Viking flotilla sailed south to fulfill the quest, so that they may sooner repay the blood debt owed to them by a certain lordling in Oslo.

Now Kjell Atlesen stood up to his balls in the North Sea while his ship lay next to him upon a Cananefate shore. He had braved Danske raiders upon the seas, and his own people through Akershus on his way to the sea. Those familiar hindrances he had handled well. But who knew what perils awaited him here, on this foreign shore?

A few strides upon his long legs brought the Viking out of the cold surf and onto dry land, where the man with the lantern rushed to greet him.

"Kjell Atlesen?"

The Viking nodded. When the Sack broke Heilgar's axe, he no longer wondered about how his lord knew and arranged things he could not possibly know. The bondsman with the lantern handed him the reins of the horse he held.

"Over the dunes, three ridges, and then follow the trail. You cannot miss it."

Kjell nodded. He tied the Sack to the horse, mounted, and raced off. With luck, he might be on time.

He was. The North Star had not yet reached midnight when he saw the town over the third dune. In that town, he saw the great Hall of the High King, lit from within and shining like a beacon. He galloped the last few miles and met the opening gate to the grounds.

"I have it, the Great Sack," he announced.

"Well done, Norseman," the guard replied. "The guests have already arrived and are awaiting what thou does bear."

Kjell dismounted, and taking the Sack, strode to the mighty portals that led to his king's hall. The doors were closed, and the noises of merriment issuing from within drowned out his calls to open them, but the huge brass knockers upon those mighty portals offered him assistance. He lifted one, and let it fall. And again.

************** ************* **************** ************

|||||||||||||||| A transplanted Viking, born a millennium too late. |||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Too many Awards to list in Signature, sorry lords...|||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Listed on my page for your convenience and envy.|||||||||||||||||
Somewhere over the EXCO Rainbow
Master Skald, Order of the Silver Quill, Guild of the Skalds
Champion of the Sepia Joust- Joust I, II, IV, VI, VII, VIII
Replies:
posted 28 January 2009 06:12 EDT (US)     1 / 47  
I'm halfway through and very enjoyable so far, I always did like the way you write Mr Grayhair.

I'll finish reading it in a few hours when I've got more spare time.

A f t y

A A R S

:: The Sun always rises in the East :: Flawless Crowns :: Dancing Days ::

"We kissed the Sun, and it smiled down upon us."
posted 28 January 2009 22:32 EDT (US)     2 / 47  
This is good, but is there any reason it's not in the War Stories forum?

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
posted 29 January 2009 01:38 EDT (US)     3 / 47  
Yes.
posted 29 January 2009 06:31 EDT (US)     4 / 47  
I like it, bit confusing with whats happening, most probably due to me not being use to all the strange scandinavian names.

And the reason is?
posted 29 January 2009 09:15 EDT (US)     5 / 47  
I think I know what the reason is...

Very good, Terikel.

[This message has been edited by Andalus (edited 01-29-2009 @ 11:15 AM).]

posted 29 January 2009 12:34 EDT (US)     6 / 47  
It might be that nobody actually reads the war story forum anymore ...

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
posted 29 January 2009 13:07 EDT (US)     7 / 47  
Or it might be that this isn't actually a war story...

Veni, Vidi, well... you know.

Extended Cultures, A modification of RTW.

Si hoc legere posses, Latinam linguam scis.
ɪf ju kæn ɹid ðɪs, ju noʊ liŋgwɪstɪks.
posted 29 January 2009 15:03 EDT (US)     8 / 47  
Nech ... that's more or less irrelevant, to be honest. The War Stories forum has never really been limited to stories about war.

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
posted 29 January 2009 19:53 EDT (US)     9 / 47  
I like it, bit confusing with whats happening, most probably due to me not being use to all the strange scandinavian names.
That'll be changing soon. I suggest that you all sit up straight and pay attention. No doodling on your copybooks!

-Love Gaius
TWH Seraph, TWH Grand Zinquisitor & Crazy Gaius the Banstick Kid

Got news regarding Total War games that should be publicised? Then email m2twnews@heavengames.com. My blog.
Nelson was the typical Englishman: hot-headed, impetuous, unreliable, passionate, emotional & boisterous. Wellington was the typical Irishman: cold, reserved, calculating, unsentimental & ruthless" - George Bernard Shaw
Vote for McCain...he's not dead just yet! - HP Lovesauce

posted 30 January 2009 11:30 EDT (US)     10 / 47  
The War Stories forum has never really been limited to stories about war.
That's another reason it is now known as the Bardic Circle, where bards may come to entertain the denizens with their wonderful tales, be they of battle or bottles, loves lost or glory gained... All that really counts is that the tale is well-written and interesting.
posted 02 February 2009 03:37 EDT (US)     11 / 47  
************** ************* **************** ************

The portals opened.

Inside was a scene the well-traveled Viking has never imagined he would ever see. The stronghold was one long, narrow hall. A long table lined each wall, with a cross- table at the far end. Above the crosstable, set into a recess upon the wall, was yet another table, occupied by manlike beings who shone so brightly it almost pained his eyes. Some were manlike, such as and , while the third visible one behind the glow was a giant head with a gaping mouth and no apparent body. .

The sight made his skin crawl.

Smart move putting those glowing creatures up there, he thought to himself. The king saves on lamp oil by letting them illuminate his abode.

Then his eyes descended onto the crowd below. He saw men in plate armor of the strangest sort, while others wore clothing of a cut he had never seen in all the lands he traveled . He saw giant trolls feasting on human flesh , and women with head coverings resembling that of the wise women who dealt in the mysteries of life and beyond . He saw man-sized symbols and runes floating about like and , conversing easily with others. There was a baby monkey wearing human clothing and other apes with iron tools and well-sewn robes. And he saw strange monsters and Terrors of the Night , the likes of which had ravaged his fleet and crews on earlier journeys.

The shock of seeing such an ensemble caused him to think less clearly than downing a barrel of honey mead. He knew his duty, and that was to defend his lord against such creatures and beasts and wizards. He dropped the Sack and drew forth Ståltunge, his ancient longsword, which had been steeped in the blood of the last known dragon of Nordheimr.

The flash of steel being drawn drew the attention of a man sitting by the cross-table. He was not a particularly large man, but one whose face was that of a man in his prime, though clean-shaven in the Roman manner. His eyes, the same grey-blue as the open North Sea, locked onto his own. A halo of silver hair framed those gripping eyes- exceedingly silver for his age- and Kjell knew at once who he was exchanging stares with.

"Put your steel away, Kjell," his lord ordered. "These are my guests, and they have eaten well of fårikål, smalehove, finnbiff, and other delicacies from our homeland, and drank their fill- and in some cases, more- of our honey mead and bitter ales. Now they await what you were to bring. I assume you do have it, Viking jarl?"

"Aye, Terikel," the Viking replied, still unsure about the guests- are these foes to be slain, or friends to be greeted warmly?

"Then bring it forth, Son of Atle, so that we may continue the evening's festivities."

"Aye, my lord. Here is thy Great Sack."

Terikel Grayhair (aptly named) took the Great Sack from his Viking comrade, whom he then waved over to the food and drink for replenishment. He turned to his guests with the sack before him, began to open it, and stopped.

"Peers and Friends," he announced. "Within this sack are the reasons we are gathered here this evening. I shall draw out the first scroll and read it, then whoever has won the honors within the scroll shall be handed the Sack and allowed to read out the next scroll. Thus each victor shall share the spoils with the next, so that we all share in the dispensing of honors."

"A noble thought," cried a figure from the back. "Now get on with it!"

"Yeah," called the orange rune. "Coiley and I wanna git back to the Red Tavoin to finish air dishcushin 'bout New Yoik – an Brooklyn in partic'lar- bein betta than Bawstin an Chicawgo put togetha."

The host broke the seal of the sack with his bare hands as if it were a cookie, reached into the Sack and drew forth a scroll. He held it up to the guests so that they could see that this inner seal was likewise unbroken, then duly broke it and opened the scroll.

"Ha," he laughed. "What a fine way to open the ceremony. Our Peers, some of whom have but recently joined our ranks, have considered these Fresh Warlords and rendered our judgment with the award of this scroll to that lord who we deem the Best Newcomer. All hail Noble Erzin, chosen by his Peers to be recognized with this iteration's Octavian Award. Erzin, please accept this token of our esteem, and select the next scroll to be disbursed. "

Erzin stood to a round of applause, and gracefully took the Sack. He reached within, and drew forth a second scroll. "Friends, we have among us many who are proper, who are experienced, and who are helpful. And many who are not. This scroll, the Wise Old Monk Award, is for the forummer who is the Most Mature of us all. And this time, it is Kor."

The Busschof Happertesch himself rose and accepted his scroll. Being mature, he thanked the crowd graciously and pulled another scroll from the Sack.

"Friends, we wish to honor the Most Underrated Forummer with the Claudius Award. It is a noble award, named for the successor to Caligula. Claudius became emperor, while the rest of his generation perished in the conspiratorial and paranoid purges that swept the Empire under his predecessor. Claudius was not thought a threat, being so obviously demented himself, but this was a ruse. And not only did he become emperor, he became by most sources a very good one. He was born.."

"Enough already!" the crowd groaned. "Who won it?"

Kor smirked then handed the sack to Wolfpanzee. "Here, my friend, this time you have won the honor."

Wolfpanzee's bird icon almost fell off his branch. "Me?"

"Yes, you," sniped a nameless Peer from the crowd. "Too much to drink again, Wolfpanzee?"

"Unlike your recent escapades, it was not alcohol that caused my fall, Jax," Wolfpanzee retorted. "It was the surprise at being so honored."

Wolfpanzee accepted the scroll and its sack. He drew forth yet another scroll and read it. "I wish to share the honors bestowed this evening to one we consider the Best Oldtimer. This term's Methusaleh's Award was fairly and truly won by Gaius Colinius."

Gaius's icon floated down and accepted the scroll from Wolfpanzee. Its large eyes read it thoroughly while its gaping maw hung open in surprise. "Mars and Lugh, it's true! The missus-to-be will be very pleased indeed. Thanks, guys and gals!"

He reached into the Sack. "Typical," he moaned, reading the scroll. "Boring. Predictable. This term's Cato the Elder is no surprise either. Come on, Gallowglass, come get your Award."

Gallowglass bounced out of his chair and accepted both the award and the sack. "You call me predictable," he said, to the sighs of the crowd who already knew what he was going to say. "Yet you give me the honor of giving this term's Sainthood Award to the one we voted the Nicest. Predictable is this. What is it now? Six or Seven times in a row? Lady SubRosa of the Windswept Plains, come and get your Recognition of being the Nicest of us All. Again."

"But wait, what's this? There are more runes on this scroll! Blimey, they aren't Gaelic runes." He gave the scroll to SubRosa, who read them with ease and smiled broadly. "Comrades, I am not alone in this honor. Terikel and Enemyof Jupitor, come share this honor as well."

"Thank you, SubRosa," EnemyofJupitor said. He turned to Terikel, who had a horn of mead pointing to the ceiling and was drinking its contents down heartily, then continued for the both of them. "We both thank you."

He read the following scroll and smiled warmly yet gently. "Being nice and being appreciated for it is wonderful, but it is not always helpful. I grabbed two scrolls by mistake- please forgive me, one was for the Lady SubRosa who has already taken her seat, the other for my host who has turned from mead to wine- but they do go together. Both are awards for being helpful—The Augustine Award for most helpful tech-wise, and the Marco Polo for Most Helpful forummer/nongame. This term we honor Hussarknight with the Augustine, and good old Sinterklaas with the Marco Polo."

"Thank you, thank you," the two responded in chorus. "Now we too get to share in this spreading of honors. And we choose to award this scroll-" and they held up the scroll they picked, "to Gallowglass who we all have recognized as the Most Improved Forummer. Gallowglass, come get the Prince Hal Award."

Gallowglass accepted his award with a broad smile. He reached into the Great Sack of Honors and broke open the following scroll. "And I wish to give this term's Joan of Arc Award to our Craziest Forummers, Jax and Imperial Justice. Jax? IJ? Where are you guys? Has anybody seen Jax and IJ?"

"They're in the kitchen with the Damsel in This Dress," called a wag from the group, holding up a discarded uniform of a scullery maid. "I don't think they want to be disturbed."

Gallowglass sighed. "I shall go on in his place. Guess what, HP Lovesauce, you and your witty remarks have won you the Court Jester Award. Congratulations!".

The wag jumped as if bitten. "Me? I really won the thing? Utter folly! But right now I have nothing funny to say... is that not Cato? I mean typical? Anyway, give me the Sack."

He reached in. "That's not funny," he mumbled. "Having the Court Jester give the Cicero Award to the best Debater or Orator. It's like saying you're better than I am because people do not have to look up their own data or sources with you as I make them do- reference Vancouver, if you please. Anyway, let's see who it is this year. Is it D Furius Venator again? Cato! Cato! No, it's Civis Romanus! Oh gods of battle, how did he win? Did he bribe the jury with custom titles?"

Civis Romanus stood with his injured dignity cloaking his wounded pride. “I won it fairly by using intellect to deflate the various arguments while promoting my own viewpoints better than my competitors, my little protégé. Now, in addition to the recognition of my Peers for this achievement, I am allowed to share the honor of dispensing our Da Vinci Award to the Most Intelligent Forummer. This term that shall be Kor. Please accept our homage to your own intellect and draw forth the scroll bearing the next to be honored.”

“Well said,” Kor replied. He pulled the following scroll and glanced at it before shifting his gaze to the ceiling. “Unpredictability. Rarely a trait to be admired in adult circles, yet within our circle we honor the most unpredictable amongst us with the Viking Berserker Award. This term Tryhard has earned that honor. Tryhard? Tryhard? Has anyone seen Tryhard?”

"What is Tryhard?" called Boetje.

“He’s in the scullery with the Damsel from This Dress,” HP Lovesauce repeated, to the bawls and calls for silence from his peers.

“Get a new line, HP,” the crowd called. “That was barely funny the first time.”

“It’s the same line but a different dress,” HP Lovesauce replied, lowly, obviously pained by his peers’ jibes. “This dress was mine...Ah, here comes Tryhard now, hitching up his pantaloons and wiping goop from his hands. Welcome back, Viking Berserker. Honor the next Peer.”

“Sex,” Tryhard uttered as he broke the seal on a scroll. “We French know all about it. We invented it, you know. Sex can be a great source of pleasure. Well, at least for me it was. I remember my first time... I was fourteen. Nervous. Alone... But for our Hasdrubal, being Sexy is a way of life. This term, the winner of the Hasdrubal the Handsome Award for being the Sexiest, goes to none other than Hnossa.”

“Well, from Sexiest to Best Buddies,” Hnossa said, reading her scroll. “Our Guild Award, for the best duo or trio this past season. It is my honor to announce that this term, Mebert and our newest Court Jester, HP Lovesauce have earned this recognition.”

Mebert and HP Lovesauce graciously accept their Award and the Sack.

“Hey! Tryhard”, they cry as they raise their horns of ale in honor. “Guess who just got promoted from Slubberdegullion! To all, we present Tryhard, the Life and Soul of the Holy Roman Party, and this term’s winner of the Drunken Uncle Award!”

Tryhard accepted his scroll and the Sack with a laugh. Reaching in, he ceased his laughing and turned somber. The solemnity upon his face rippled the gravity of his scroll, and as the sadness spread, gravatar after gravatar left their chairs to rise in silence.

“I do not think I’ll be passing the Sack along to others,” Tryhard said lowly. “This is the Boiling Oil Award, for our Most Missed Comrade. This term, we bid a fond farewell to D Furius Venator. A moment of silence as we remember the thoughts we exchanged and arguments he lost...”

Tryhard looked to the crosstable. “The Sack is empty, yet there are more awards to be handed out. Many more. Have they been lost in my jungles, perhaps?”

“Yeah, WTF, M8? AFAIK, these were just the personality awards. IIRC there were other cats 2.”

“Profane not this gathering with such vulgar speech! Type your words out, displaying your respect for your Peers,” bellowed HP Lovesauce, Guardian of the Common Tongue.

“But the fool is correct,” Count Mummolus shouted. “There are many awards, many many more. This I know to be fact, because I myself gathered the nominations for each and every one, then counted each and every ballot myself.”

The Count moved forward and examined the Sack and its broken seal. “This is most odd. Most odd. I sealed it myself, and sent it through mysterious means to the home of our host. It seems to have traveled a great deal further, yet it is in perfect condition. Its seal was intact when it arrived,” he announced, holding up the seal- where only one break could be seen and that was done here, before their very eyes. “Thus all awards must be present. Yet the Sack is empty.”

The silver-haired host turned to the glowing beings in the alcove above. “Divine Ones, my brother has brought us the Sack unopened. It was first opened here, before our eyes, yet much is missing. How can this be?”

The Seraphs looked at each other, then at the cherubim. They conferred, and together found the answer.

“The texter-dude is correct- these were simply the personality awards. All of us here have personalities, and thus the awards are here. The awards for hard work and inspirational ideas, therefore, must be in a place were there is work to be done.”

“Aw hell,” cried Daelon. “We have to earn it? Just when you think it is okay to drink a second beer...My poor brain is at ninety-eight percent already. Can’t we just vote for them here, with a beer in our hand?”

“Not a bad idea,” Gallowglass echoed. Then he spoke words that no man in the room understood.

“Was that a magic spell?” one guest wondered.

“No, he was simply spouting poetry in Gaelic,” replied another. “But he had a good point in there- let us vote for our favorite Moderator, and maybe the Sack will magically refill.”

“He’s had a few too many already,” reminded Legion of Hell. “But then again, we are all here in a first-century High King’s Hall instead of back home staring at our computer monitors...”

Andalus stood. “I shall call out the names of the Moderators for the Good King Wenceslas Award. Raise your hands to vote. Gaius, sorry Saxo, sorry again, it is again Gaius. Yak. Enemy of Jupitor. Kor. Chonaman. Azn. Hussarknight. SubRosa, for the time she spent before resuming her mortal status. Myself and our host are too junior to count, this time around. Well, there we have it. Gaius Colinius, you are our Favorite Moderator.”

Gaius rose, and called to his people below, “We shall need help. We want you to pick one from among yourselves worthy of ascension. Who is it you wish to see Green?”

Many names were called, and many were seconded. But one name was repeated many more times than the others. Gaius waved his staff for silence.

"Primo, your peers have faith in you. They believe you to be the most likely to dine up here in the next presentation. Congratulations on winning the esteemed Preferati Award.”

Primo thanked the guests for his award, and motioned for a quick speech. “I can't believe I beat out Lady Bimbar for this honor! Seriously, we have another we must mention. Tryhard.”

“Oui?” called a French voice from the depths of Africa.

“Sorry, I meant the Tryhard Award,” Primo corrected. “To our comrade who works the hardest for the good of forums. I shall point, you raise your hands.”

With that, Primo began sweeping his finger slowly across the hall, quick eyes counting the hands appearing and disappearing as his finger alighted on each colleague. Then it was done. “By acclamation, Daelon, you are the Man.”

“Hey!” called Tryhard. “The Sack! It is no longer empty. Gallowglass must have been right.”

“Oh no! Say it ain’t so!” groaned Wolfpanzee. “We’ll never hear the end of it now.”

“Really, there is a napkin in here.”

“Give it to me,” demanded Tryhard. “I still have some stuff to wipe off...”

“It’s a map!” cried Legion of Hell. “I’ll bet the copyright to my everlasting Octavian story that is where the rest of the awards are!”

But Tryhard was faster, and any inked markings that might have led to the missing awards were smudged and smeared beyond all recognition. Then he handed it to Legion of Hell, who winced at the touch yet still examined the parchment for any usable clues. He sighed heavily.

“It was not a map,” he announced sadly. “It was in fact just a napkin. The Awards are lost for ever, I am afraid.”

The loss of the remaining awards drew a curtain of silence and grief across the gathered forummers. All that work, all the effort, now lost to a magician’s whim. Not a man or woman spoke, not even Boetje or Wolfpanzee or HP Lovesauce had a joke with which to lighten the dark mood. Silence ruled the great hall as minds churned to find a solution to this dilemma.

********* ********** *********** ***********

|||||||||||||||| A transplanted Viking, born a millennium too late. |||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Too many Awards to list in Signature, sorry lords...|||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Listed on my page for your convenience and envy.|||||||||||||||||
Somewhere over the EXCO Rainbow
Master Skald, Order of the Silver Quill, Guild of the Skalds
Champion of the Sepia Joust- Joust I, II, IV, VI, VII, VIII

[This message has been edited by Terikel Grayhair (edited 02-03-2009 @ 11:26 AM).]

posted 02 February 2009 04:27 EDT (US)     12 / 47  
Wow, I love the way this award ceremony is written. And I won something

AAR Coming real soon :P
posted 02 February 2009 08:34 EDT (US)     13 / 47  
thank you for mentioning me after my defeat...

"in exile, I shall go..."

but not before I hear if argohoff won the best quote

Yep, it's true, having no sig is boring. But so is this one. Which makes my point... relatively pointless.
Can a point be a point when it is pointless?
posted 02 February 2009 10:09 EDT (US)     14 / 47  

Odd. I speak with way too much sentimentality.

Is there an award for the most predictable award?

------m------m------
(o o)
(~)

Monkey beats bunny. Please put Monkey in your signature to prevent the rise of bunny.
m0n|<3yz r 2 pwn n00b
posted 02 February 2009 13:48 EDT (US)     15 / 47  
This is fantastic. I love it

Joint-nicest forumer, too. Cheers, guys

BTW, if we have to 'earn' it, then that'd mean the 'best RTW and M2TW players' awards will be quite fun

And I shall go Softly into the Night Taking my Dreams As will You
posted 02 February 2009 14:09 EDT (US)     16 / 47  
Nah it's rubbish, I didn't win anything.

Being serious, it's excellent.

Calling all new people. USE THE SEARCH FUNCTION before asking a question. Thank you.
Alert the APOCOLYPSE is coming!!!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM(Itcame)
"TWH Guild Award (Best Duo/Trio) -Ischenous/IJ"- Tryhard. Why he chose that nomination, I don't know...
posted 02 February 2009 14:40 EDT (US)     17 / 47  
Great, I like it a lot. Especially the bit with Gaius as a giant head with a gaping mouth and no apparent body.
posted 02 February 2009 14:59 EDT (US)     18 / 47  
Bravo! Well done, Terikel!
Ooh, and three awards for me?

Aw, shucks.

Cats, Sex and Nazis...That's why they call me Mr. Happy
*****
Proud Purveyor of Panda Porn...You know you want it!
Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While Gaming
posted 02 February 2009 15:25 EDT (US)     19 / 47  
Heh. Nice bait-and-switch.
and good old Sinterklaas with the Marco Polo.
Score!

"That which we call a nose can still smell!"
-Reduced Shakespeare Company

"Abroad, French transit workers attempt to end a strike, only to discover that they have forgotten how to operate the trains. Everybody enjoys a hearty laugh and returns to the café." -Dave Barry
posted 02 February 2009 15:32 EDT (US)     20 / 47  
I think sharing an award with IJ is quite special.

I didn't plan to read this thing, but I ended up doing so anyway because (surprisingly) it's fantastic.

house won this
posted 02 February 2009 19:17 EDT (US)     21 / 47  
Haha, great write up there Terikel! What a good way to present :P

Now for the after party!
posted 03 February 2009 03:25 EDT (US)     22 / 47  
Very nice Terikel, and Daelon you should get a new avatar, everytime I look at it I am not happy.

I feel the same way I did after playing Stronghold 2 for about 15 minutes, like it was my birthday and all my friends had wheeled a giant birthday cake into the room, and I was filled with hopes dreams and desires when suddenly out of the cake pops out not a beautiful buxom maid, but a cranky old hobo that just shanks me then takes $60 dollars out of my pocket and walks away saying "deal, with it".
posted 03 February 2009 05:53 EDT (US)     23 / 47  
Congrats to all the winners this year!

A f t y

A A R S

:: The Sun always rises in the East :: Flawless Crowns :: Dancing Days ::

"We kissed the Sun, and it smiled down upon us."
posted 03 February 2009 09:00 EDT (US)     24 / 47  
yet within our circle we honor the craziest amongst us with the Viking Berserker Award. This term Tryhard has earned that honor
This sentence confused me a bit. I went to check. I receive again the "most unpredictable" award (I shared it with Andrew last time).
The "craziest" award is a tie between IJ and Jax, with 7 or 8 votes each. I barely scored 2 points there. For this time.

Two awards this time, plus one award about me, plus one bearing my name, plus one where I came close (best thread maker, lost to Legio).
I wish I were as successful for my next job, that I am failing to get.

Defender Of The Faith

The thing with tryhard is you can never tell if he's writing a gay erotica on purpose or not - Jax

[This message has been edited by Tryhard (edited 02-03-2009 @ 09:06 AM).]

posted 03 February 2009 11:27 EDT (US)     25 / 47  
Sorry, I was confused (and a little tipsy at the time, but hey, you don't write stuff like that after a cup of coffee).

Its fixed now.
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