Dear Future Me:

You have only yourself to blame for this.

THE LAST ROUNDUP

Oh hey, the last one already? That was fast. Feels like I only just got started. ...Wishful thinking.

1:00
“Why, you got more blue ribbons than any pony in Ponyville—ever!”
I’m guessing there’s not much competition for that title. The (admittedly vague) impression I got is that it’s a pretty modest-sized town.

2:06
“I just don’t know what went wrong!”
Well, it started—No, that’s mean, I shouldn’t say that...

2:15
Wait a minute, I recognize this character. It’s one of those fan favorites, isn’t it? ...Why, though? It seems pretty cliche to base a character around clumsy comic relief. Almost every show has one of those. Guess I’ll withhold my judgment for the moment.

2:37
I think that’s the building telling you to eat a salad next time, dear.
...Hah, and her(?) butt tattoo is bubbles. But I’m not going to make that joke. Too low-hanging.

3:12
Well, it sure is nice to donate the prize money for the public good, but it’s also really presumptuous to pledge that money before you earn it, yeah? ...Something tells me that’s gonna come up.

3:16
Seriously, is this funny? I’m genuinely asking. I think it’s supposed to be, but I don’t see the joke. It’s just a character causing painful accidents left and right, no setup, no punchline... Am I just too old to get cartoons? Gods, I’m only 23. Here’s a penalty for making me feel miserable three minutes in. >_> (-5)

3:21
But it is mildly clever that since ponies can’t exactly applaud, they stomp instead. (+1)

3:24
“Aw, shucks, I’m not much for speeches...”
But...?

3:27
“Alright then, no speech!”
“...Buuuut...”
Like clockwork. First you lower their expectations, then you turn around and give a speech anyway.

4:00
Oh jeez, you could hear something cracking when her joints moved. You doing alright there, grandma?

4:05
“And bring back all that moneyyy!”
You’re never too young for greedy politician jokes!

4:10 – 4:17
Oh that’s right, Pinkie never shuts up. I had forgotten how much I hate that. Now I remember all of it. (-1)

4:23
“I’ll do better than my best!”
But that’s--- Never mind. >_>

4:35
“And lot’s of moneyyy!”
Ha ha, did you hear this joke the first time? Is it any funnier if we repeat it?! (-2)

5:04
“Oh, I hope Applejack’s surprised by the surprise party!”
Considering your noisy friend takes literally any excuse to throw one of those, by my recollection... I doubt it.

5:12
“While being surprised can be nice, being startled can be... very startling.”
Whoa, slow down there, Plato. Thine wisdom overfloweth.

5:30 – 5:40
Pinkie’s trying so hard to be funny, it’s not even funny. (-5)

6:02
...Aw, way to be an asshole to the poor guy, Ms. Friendship-is-Magic. On his birthday, no less! He came all the way out here and this is the thanks he gets?! >_>

6:06
...Well, that’s nice of Pinkie, though. Almost makes up for being a migraine on four legs. Dare I say, I almost actually felt something in the void where my heart should be! (Maybe I should get that looked at.) (+2)

8:02
That’s a rather sudden transition from green meadows to barren wasteland...

8:28
Dodge Junction, huh? Sounds... dodgy.
...That was terrible. I’m sorry.

10:34
“I don’t care what she says, Applejack’s not telling us something.”
You don’t say. Wasn’t she supposed to be the honest one?

11:04
A conveyor belt, huh? As Henry Ford said, nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. I guess even the world of candy-colored ponies has to cope with the crushing monotony of post-Industrial Revolution labor!
...Oh boy, does this mean there’s class warfare going on in MLP’s world?

11:07
“Just one teensy thing to remember: Have fun!”
Yeah, we’ll have oodles of fun seizing the means of reproduction, you bourgeois twit. >_>

12:09
“Did you see Wild Bull Hickok? What about Calamity Mane?”
Oh jeez. I really ought to penalize you for those puns, but then I’d be a hypocrite, wouldn’t I? >_>

13:05
Ah, a ‘Modern Times’ skit. Should’ve seen that one coming when I saw the conveyor belt.

13:08
“Is it because you were insulted when I insulted your hair?”
“No, no, no!”
So this means Rarity not only knowingly insults her friend’s appearance, but she’s not even good at it!

13:37 – 13:44
“It’s time to call in the big guns!”
[Dramatically zooms in on Pinkie]
Please no, I have a family.

14:15 – 14:52
GARGHRAG
I never thought I would relate to Applejack so much! (You get a point for that. +1) Dear sweet baby Jesus, make it stop! It might be intentionally annoying, but it’s still unbearable! (-10)
Why did I do this to myself?

16:10
Oh dear, voice of the legion.

16:18
“I gotta get the heck outta dodge!”
...Ohhh, that’s why they called it Dodge Junction. Ha-ha, clever. (+2)

16:28
“Follow that stagecoach!”
In a world of sapient ponies, isn’t it technically a rickshaw? Or is that an “is water wet” question?

16:48
God damn it Fluttershy, you’re lucky there’s nobody else around or you might’ve caused an accident over that dumb rabbit. Points off for showing what not to do if there’s a small animal sitting around in the middle of the road while you’re going at high speeds. (-5)

16:52
See? Stupid thing learned nothing from this. Have you? >_>

17:20
[engine revving sounds]
Heh, so it’s got four horsepower, I take it? (Note: I am aware that “horsepower” is just a clever marketing term and is not actually equivalent to equine strength. Let me have my lame jokes, damn it.)

17:30
Waaaaait a minute, I recognize this scene... Moff, is that why you picked this episode? >_>

17:52
“If y’all reckon back, I told you that I would tell everything at breakfast! But I didn’t come for breakfast!”
Wow, that’s some loophole abuse. She’s supposed to represent honesty, right? Well if that doesn’t pan out, she could always try being a lawyer.

18:16
Whoops, off they go. ...This probably would’ve been funnier if I didn’t already know this scene, so have a couple pity points. (+2)

18:20
“No time! They knew what they were getting into!”
And if I recall correctly, she represented loyalty... Which apparently means leaving your friends behind in the middle of the desert. Friendship!

18:35
I love the subtle detail that the ones pulling the cart look somewhat perturbed at her complete lack of concern for their safety. They know what’ll happen if candy-colored horse meets (also candy-colored) iron horse. (+1)

18:56
“Lady, you’re trouble!”
What, not even gonna accept your quadruple pay for surviving that stunt? >_>

19:04
“Aw, nuts.”
Yeah, forgot that detail, didn’t you.

20:08
“Applejack, you’re not a failure!”
Well, she wasn’t until she caused her entire family to worry about her when she’s not in any real trouble, made her friends search the country up and down for her, and endangered herself and those four coach ponies (and probably giving the train driver a heart attack) for no good reason. That’s kind of a fail. >_>

20:19
“So... You’re not upset or disappointed?”
About the race? No, of course not.
About the poor decision-making described above? I’d be. And I’m also a bit upset that she’s not getting any shit for it. (-5)

20:50 - 21:08
So the moral here is not to let hurt pride lead you to drive others away, which is well and good. But in Applejack’s defense, maybe she’d have an easier time “running to her friends and family” if said friends and family hadn’t piled such immense pressure to succeed on her to begin with! Didn’t they learn anything from this? I think that’s an equally important lesson and it’s rather disappointing no attention is paid to that. (-10)

21:15
Hah, they actually forgot those two. Some friends. Well, if it were important, they wouldn’t have forgotten, would they?
I don’t have it in me to feel sorry for Rarity, but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Final score: -34

Let's be honest here: None of us expected a positive score to start with. But on the bright side, this show's done worse. Let's see if it can do better.

This is disgusting, I love it, and I can't wait to sit down and read through it.

Was expecting a video duel of chili pepper eating or something, but turns out it's mental torture instead

Dear Future Senkan Moffgou… making Sipia watch Ponies better be worth the jailtime. Kurwa.

So first… THE REACTS!

I’m guessing there’s not much competition for that title. The (admittedly vague) impression I got is that it’s a pretty modest-sized town.

Yeah, it’s no Manehattan.

"I just don’t know what went wrong!"
Well, it started—No, that’s mean, I shouldn’t say that...

Oh shit, I forgot this was the premiere of Muffins!

I think that’s the building telling you to eat a salad next time, dear.
...Hah, and her(?) butt tattoo is bubbles. But I’m not going to make that joke. Too low-hanging.

Hehe. Farts.

Well, it sure is nice to donate the prize money for the public good, but it’s also really presumptuous to pledge that money before you earn it, yeah? ...Something tells me that’s gonna come up.

Congrats, you guessed that the gun on the wall would be used in the plot, Ensign Chekov.

But it is mildly clever that since ponies can’t exactly applaud, they stomp instead. (+1)

HOLY SHIT SIPPY GAVE A PLUS

3:24
"Aw, shucks, I’m not much for speeches..."
But...?

3:27
"Alright then, no speech!"
"...Buuuut..."
Like clockwork. First you lower their expectations, then you turn around and give a speech anyway.

Yos.

4:00
Oh jeez, you could hear something cracking when her joints moved. You doing alright there, grandma?

Old horse is old.

6:06
...Well, that’s nice of Pinkie, though. Almost makes up for being a migraine on four legs. Dare I say, I almost actually felt something in the void where my heart should be! (Maybe I should get that looked at.) (+2)

Let the feelings flow through you!

11:04
A conveyor belt, huh? As Henry Ford said, nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. I guess even the world of candy-colored ponies has to cope with the crushing monotony of post-Industrial Revolution labor!
...Oh boy, does this mean there’s class warfare going on in MLP’s world?

Well, you just guaranteed an episode I wanted you to watch is gonna be shoehorned in somehow.

11:07
"Just one teensy thing to remember: Have fun!"
Yeah, we’ll have oodles of fun seizing the means of reproduction, you bourgeois twit. >_>

ON THE PONIES?! THOU SHALT NOT CLOP, SINNER!

13:37 – 13:44
"It’s time to call in the big guns!"
[Dramatically zooms in on Pinkie]
Please no, I have a family.

…How did you make babies? <_<

14:15 – 14:52
GARGHRAG
I never thought I would relate to Applejack so much! (You get a point for that. +1)

Wha… you’ve already given this FOUR POSITIVE POINTS. Holy shit!

16:10
Oh dear, voice of the legion.

ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL
Wait, wrong Legion.

16:18
"I gotta get the heck outta dodge!"
...Ohhh, that’s why they called it Dodge Junction. Ha-ha, clever. (+2)

Oi, mate, you’re pretty seriously endangering your reputation tossing all of these pluses around. What happened to the unrelenting negativity?

16:28
"Follow that stagecoach!"
In a world of sapient ponies, isn’t it technically a rickshaw? Or is that an "is water wet" question?

"It’s like asking, ‘does a cow drink milk?’"
"…Does it?"
"Um… I suppose so?"

17:30
Waaaaait a minute, I recognize this scene... Moff, is that why you picked this episode? >_>

Ax picked it. I figured he did so for Derpy after reading your opening parts.

17:52
"If y’all reckon back, I told you that I would tell everything at breakfast! But I didn’t come for breakfast!"
Wow, that’s some loophole abuse. She’s supposed to represent honesty, right? Well if that doesn’t pan out, she could always try being a lawyer.

She is technically correct… the BEST KIND of correct!

18:16
Whoops, off they go. ...This probably would’ve been funnier if I didn’t already know this scene, so have a couple pity points. (+2)

Tsk tsk. Original Review Run Sipia wouldn’t even recognize you!

[quote18:35
I love the subtle detail that the ones pulling the cart look somewhat perturbed at her complete lack of concern for their safety. They know what’ll happen if candy-colored horse meets (also candy-colored) iron horse. (+1)
Thomas had never seen such a mess…

18:56
"Lady, you’re trouble!"
What, not even gonna accept your quadruple pay for surviving that stunt? >_>

I dunno, wouldn’t you wanna get the hell away?

Final score: -34

THAT NUMBER DOES NOT GO NEAR PONIES

Well, I suppose it’s time to drink my hemlock, eh? Well, we start with:
EPISODE 1: GRIP AND HOLD!

Hoo boy, the title kinda says it all, doesn’t it? Welcome to Wayne La Pierre’s fap material: Upotte!!

0:00 - So we begin with some kiddie music and translated sign that says, "Keep Chamber Empty in School Building." Nani.

0:10 - Some white-purple chaired girl is sweeping up and is addressed as "Funco-chan." She’s joined by three more anime schoolgirls. Meet our main characters. From left to right, Eru, Shigu, Ichiroku, and Funco. And their countries of origin.


Apparently, Funco wants one of the teachers—a really strict German lady named Fujiko—to help with beach party fliers. Oh dear. We’re literally under thirty seconds and barreling into a beach episode, aren’t we?

But she is supposed ot be pretty. Ah, "Stopping power is attractive." Well… not sure what that means but I do agree!

0:39 - Now is when Ichiroku is complaining about being surrounded by Europeans and the flags pop up. England (their words, not mine), Switzerland, and Belgium are introduced with pops… and America with a clown honk. (-3)

And then Funco drags Ichiroku off. Aaaaand that’s Fujiko, huh? With the most flared trousers I’ve ever seen… and in feldgrau… with what look like shoulder straps and an overseas cap. Apparently Funco has an older sister named "Fal." Her friends take exception to being called "followers," except… Eru.

1:00 – Ah, yes, now you see Fujiko in her glory. And… wow.

Not even subtle about putting on the Reich, are we? (-5)

And she was examining the flower bed, but is not sure about which veggies you plant in summer. And she mispronounces "broccoli" as "bro-kill-oli." Is this supposed to be funny?

AND WHY DOES ICHIROKU HAVE AN ORANGE IN HER HAIR? (-1)

1:25 – So Funco asks if broccoli has pretty flowers, and Fujiko doesn’t know and doesn’t care. "What’s the fun of growing inedible flowers?" Well, the general reaction from the girls is, "She sure is German." (+1) But also (-5) for racism against Germans.

1:37 – So after being told flowers can be eaten, Fujiko… thinks she ate some chrysanthemums. But they were really bitter Japanese dandelions, which she didn’t know? Um. I don’t know shit about flowers and I can tell a chrysanthemum from a dandelion. Granted, she is wearing that eyepatch…

1:57 – Ah, they’re getting a new teacher for their section. At the middle school. As in… 12-14 years old. I already have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, just like when that submarine found me in the Strait of Taiwan… though that was more of a literal sinking feeling.

2:12 – Kawaii intro music and title reveal. No idea why Ichiroku is posing in front of a gun silhouette.
…Well, okay, you know that’s a lie. Of course I know. And I know an Armalite when I see it.

And then Eru is in front of what can only be an L85.

Shiug and Funco are in front of generic-looking guns. And Ichiroku apparently smacked a baseball with an assault rifle, which shows good sense. Stacked rifles… lots of guns, dontcha think?

Oh Lord, am I gonna have to explain gun stuff like I do with the boats? I mean, Ax knows guns, but he won’t see this thread for at least two weeks after it went up because he just bookmarks the SS. LIKE A SILLY PONY.

3:21 – Rando-ass furry girl and elf chick.


God, even the song is insipid.

3:54 – So we meet up with some lost schmuck. He’s our new teacher. I don’t think he actually has a name. He’s at a shrine, which isn’t even on the map he has, which tells you how lost he is. Then we go to some fair, and someone is shooting a 3BS box in one of those carnival cork-gun things. When I went to the county fair, they had one of those. I was expecting it to be all manner of silly, and I was absolutely thinking of this scene when I did it…

And proceeded to shoot down six out of seven possible targets. Turns out the sights were decent. So, (+1) for the positive association and another (+1) for the jab at filthy handheld console peasants. PC MASTER RACE!

Anyway, the small child who shot it and knocked it over is celebrating with his little sister… until the stand runner says he also had to shoot over the stand to win it. So too bad. Kid protests that he never said that was the case, and then said if he doesn’t like it, he can always fork over another few dozen yen and try again! Imouto-chan says they should just go, BUT BUSHIO FORBIDS SURRENDER!

4:37- Funco, who is at the fair, overhears this and comes over and says, "This onee-chan will win it for you!" A few cuts around and we see Teacher-kun walking into the fair as Funco hoists her toy rifle. And we have our first ecchi-sketchy moment as the camera pans up Funco’s oddly thick legs to her miniskirt fluttering in the breeze (ah ah, no pantsu yet… you’ll have to wait!) with slow, dreamy piano playing. (-5)

5:00 – Funco blasts the 3Ds—err, I mean 3BS—and the stand over with one shot. Little onii-chan cheers… but the dick shop owner recognizes her uniform and says she doesn’t count as she’s a "pro shot." But then Teacher-kun shows up! He reassures the stand runner that he’s just a passing-by amateur.

5:39 – But Funco-chan is immediately taken by his perfect stance as he takes the rifle. "Who is this guy?" And then she dissects his positioning further, his secure grip with the stock, even though small, resting against his cheek… his grip on the rifle is gentle, not a hold. While… romantic music plays and a stunned Funco watches.

6:04 – "A stance for firing an assault rifle!" Oh damn it, I better not need a screencap every two minutes like with Mikakunin. That was a labor of love. This is just not worth it.


And then Funco flushes, squeals… we cut to her skirt blowing in the breeze, then to Sensei-kun’s finger slowly pulling the trigger on the cork gun with a jet liner apparently flying overhead… then back to Funco.

Aw HELL nah. (-5)

AND THAT’S AS CLEAN AS IT GETS

6:14 – "Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump." "MY HAMMER’S GOING TO FIRE!" AND SHE’S CROSSING HER LEGS AND CLUTCHING THE FRONT HEM OF HER SKIRT (-5)

6:17 – Sensei pulls the trigger. But before we hear sounds of loli ecstasy… his shot goes low, hits the stand itself, and the cork ricochets back to bean Funco right between the eyes. Another shot, another ricochet, another comedy injury (with magical appearing bandaid) for our disturbingly excitable girl. This amuses me, and my opinion is all that matters. (+3)

Ever.

6:25 – So Sensei won a consolation prize of skeleton keychain, which I originally thought was supposed to show Funco’s injuries. Oops, it’s Funco’s prize since she actually hit something. The two children are glowering at Sensei-kun, who is blue with embarrassment.

So Funco starts to slink off, but Sensei calls after her. He needs her to guide him to the school. He asks what the place is like, because he clearly knows nothing. Funco tells him it’s "an extremely specialized school" with a literal :3 face. Also, they’re going up some stairs and she’s a bit ahead of him… yes, you know where this is going. Anyway, back to the conversation, Sensei mentions the crooked game guy called her a pro shooter. "Is there some kind of shooting club?"

7:14 - "Actually, we’re guns." DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Also, she stops on the stairs to say this. Winded Sensei picks his head up… and the wind blows Funco’s skirt again… so he’s starting at her ass and panties while she announces, "My name is FNC."

"I was born in Belgium!"

7:30 – But Sensei’s mind is elsewhere. "Tii-bakku..." Or, as the translation puts it… "A thong..."
Oblivious FNC finishes her intro, "I’m an assault rifle!" Looks like you’re gonna end up a rifu.
While stunned Sensei-kun calls her, "A Belgian… assault… thong."

We’ve just gotten to the school and we’re not even a third into the first episode. KURWA

8:09 – Aaaaaaaaaand now Funco is taking a bath. Unlike Kancolle, the molar absorbancy of the water in her tub is almost zero. Toes, ankles, knees, thighs, tummy, and her arms across her breasts. No pic, obviously. This, I shall suffer alone… and take it out on the rating. (-10)

Ah. She’s remember Sensei holding a rifle… but imagining a more modern assault rifle in his hands instead of his cork gun. "I’d fire so fast… with those big hands gripping me. STOP.

No, cute bubble blowing will earn you no points this time. I’m too angry.

8:29 – So, Sensei is beginning his job on Monday morning. He meets with the principal, who takes him to "morning practice." On the way, he passes this sign.

Others say, "Keep chamber empty in the classroom." And "Keep your safety on at all times." You may make your obligatory American school jokes now.

9:00 - So we arrive at morning practice with Shigu, Ichiroku, and some girl I don’t recognize dakkaing away at targets. While being watched by Anime R. Lee Ermey. (+1)

Eru, whose full name is L85A1, runs up and gets yelled at by R. Lee. Also, another girl has appeared on the firing line… and I’m pretty sure they’ve all been rearranged. Ah, no. I just misidentified quick-change barrel girl with Ichiroku. They’re both blonde. No points off for continuity, and I need to remove my NRA membership.

No, I don’t actually have one. I’m not that morally bereft.

9:34 – "Principal, those are real guns, aren’t they?" "Well, yes, but the girls themselves are assault rifles." Look, at least Kongou and Kaga and Fubuki have to put on equipment to go into warship mode. Do they have to have access to an actual gun to do gun things? HOW DOES NRA HENTAI LAND WORK, DAMMIT?

Anyway, Sensei’s reaction is the logical one. Horrified face, "What the hell? They’re guns? What’s going on?! Where have I ended up?"

And then Funco joins up and gets yelled at for being late. MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T SPEND THE NIGHT THINKING IMPURE THOUGHTS THAT CORRODE YOUR MECHANISMS… anyway, she notices Sensei with a sound effect that I think is from Paper Mario, and is greeted in return as "T-bakku-go." Loudly, and everyone hears it. The world turns blue… Funco is suddenly holding an FNC, flicks the selector to full auto, and OPENS FIRE ON SENSEI-KUN WITH A CRY OF "BAKAAAAAAAAA!"

Ah. This is indeed that sort of anime.

10:21 – CGI 5.56 casings look weird. Also, the other girls just keep firing down range while Funco burns out her barrel at Sensei-kun. Finally, Ermey calls a cease fire. This is what is left of Funco’s target.

Then it collapses on Sensei. Then we get happy, girly cheerful music as Funco narrates. "So anyway, we’re guns! To elaborate further, various guns from around the world have gathered here at Seishou Academy. Assault rifle is a broad term for full-auto capable, small-caliber guns designed to neutralize specific targets. Every day, we dream to become great assault rifles as we study at this academy."

Well, two things to note: one, Japanese manga and anime artists know more about guns than journalists and politicans trying to regulate them. Two, this shit is like Thomas the Tank Engine meets a gun show. Speaking of confusion and delay, the principal is commenting on the fact the teacher who was supposed to cover homeroom is currently "out." Funco’s reaction, even though she’s not explicitly called out…

Kyoot. (+1)

11:15 - "What did he that I’m the ‘girl with the thong’?!" Then she turns to the camera. "I have a skeleton stock, so I can’t help it!" So… stock design = underwear. Hmmm… so does that mean TMP-chan…

(In the manga, yes it does)

Then we get a character card with Funco squatting with her… self... a bunch of technical details, and her skirt only just barely covering the front of her pantsu with plenty of thick loli thigh to either side. (-5)

I’m ready to quit now. Please?

11:29 – And cut away to someone completely different. Apparently, "Fal-san," who you’ll recall is FNC’s onee-chan. She was called by Jiisuri and Ichiyon. They’re teaching FAL about FNC putting Sensei-kun in the hospital… and Ichiyon approves. FAL, less so. Ah, now we learn that Ichiroku is Ichiyon’s sister, as well. EVERYONE IS RELATED. It’s like the goddamned Star Wars Expanded Universe.

12:20 – So after discussing how FAL will have to punish DNC, we smash cut to Sensei-kun in the hospital, basically totally wrapped in bandages. Don’t worry, he wasn’t actually shot… just crushed under the collapsing building. And his sole line is, "What did I do wrong?" Well, you announced that a 13-year old was wearing a thong in front of all of her friends… not that they don’t know.

And now we’re back to Funco and Ichiroku… and Funco asks if the other "ever felt like [her] hammer was about to go off." Sounds like someone’s about to fail NNN. Oh, it was a thought and then she couldn’t ask. So she asks the school nurse, who… is wearing a crucifix because why not. Anyway, nurse-Nurse-Gun tells Funco that it’s normal to experience this at her age. "But that part of you is extremely precious, so make sure to keep it cleaned and well-maintained."

Oh my God. (-2)

13:06 – Thankfully, Eru shows up clutching her stomach. She gets frequent tummy aches, apparently… so she lies back, Nurse-chan examines her stomach, and upper pantsu shot. (-3)

So as Nursey presses on the tummy, Eru whimpers and kicks her feet. (-2) Nursey is able to diagnose a "weak spring."

"So she jammed again?" …Is she supposed to be constipated? That’s clever, but gross. And Eru acting like she’s being vigorously edged does not help. Cleverness cancels the negative, this time.

13:37 – So we cut to Sensei-kun reading about gungirls and the Gun School in his hospital bed. They took the wrappings off his face, at least. Ah, he’s reading the manuals so he can perform "first aid." And being a young male teacher in a girls’ school, his first thought is, "I can’t mess up and touch them somewhere wrong…" Apparently, chests are handguards and you’ll get burned if you touch it. Complete with GIRL FNC saying, with her shirt open (wearing a bra), "You can’t sensei! I’m so hot right here!" (-5)

…And she’s apparently groping her breasts in class, flushed, and gasping with pleasure. (-3)

So, Sensei moves on to reading about stocks, which are butts/underwear. FNC has a skeleton stock. "So that’s why she wears a thong. I see. *nod nod* … … … Wait, what?" And then Funco is apparently feeling warm… down there. Again, in class, while Sensei is reading. (-3) Then she does another pouty face aside (+1) and tells us, "I’m not like that!"

Kurwa. I am having so many regrets now.

So, everyone’s going outside with baseball caps and some bats and baskets. Apparently it’s been a week since the shooting (that sounds much less adorable when phrased that way), and Ichiroku, Funco, and Shigu are talking about how they should go see him. After all, it’s all Funco’s fault even if he did say something weird.

After all, they "were close enough that he saw [her] pantsu." You’re an asshole, Ichiroku. Then she teases Funco about turning beet red over that, which our Belgian denies.

15:34 - But first, guns playing baseball! And when they hit the ball, it makes a gunshot sound… and a fairly realistic one, at that. (+1)

Aww, Eru is crouched under a parasol. Anyway, Ichiroku goes up to bat, says something about a human teacher "setting them off," and Funco has an imagine spot of Sensei’s hands exploring FNC… the gun, not the girl, thankfully. So she calls Ichiroku a perv. Ichiroku doesn’t get it, so Funco just repeats the insult again, with her legs crossed and jostling from side to side. And I don’t like how she’s holding that bat for support.

So Ichiroku calls she’s gonna hit a homer, gets called an idiot, and then hits a home run. Cut to…

16:16 – "A DVD to introduce ourselves?" Shigu wants to make a DVD introducing the class to Sensei-kun. Then they don’t have to see him in person. "But what should we say?" "Just say what you want?" Never, ever tell Ichiroku to do that again, Shigu.

So… "First, FNC was born in Belgium!" "That’s right! My name is FNC, please don’t call me Funco! Wait… why am I in a bathing suit?"
"To make sure you leave an impression."

That said, (+3) for funny moment with Eru, one of those pissing cherub fountains, and Funco. It’s actually five, but two minus points for Eru touching the statue that way. Anyway, on to Shigu’s intro. Ah, her real name is SIG SG550. She’s Swiss, from a prestigious family. Quiet, but a great student and athlete. But she’s also weird, as there’s a video clip of her saying, "I thought carpet bombing was when they dropped bombs filled with carpet."

Ichiroku is from AMERICA F**K YEAH. Her real name is M16A4. "She speaks in Osaka-ben for no reason. That is all."
"…THAT WAS IT?! Isn’t there more?!"
But Sig has a bit more. "When she gets into something, she works really hard." That good Yankee work ethic. "But… she has to take a break when she does stuff." "Because I only have a three-shot burst!" Well, they do make a fine job correlating technical characteristics to behavior. A bit more so than KanColle… but there’s only a few KanColle episodes that make me feel a need to shower.

Then they explain the bullet conservation theory behind three-shot burst, which is bollocks. It’s about defeating armor. Anyway, this makes it hard to clean with her.

"Eru, the L85A1, was born in the UK." They say this over the Loch Ness monster. And… pantsu shot. (-3) "And this is her key feature, right here…" *Ichiroku grabs Eru’s rack* "Hey, Eru, they get bigger again?" (-3)

And then we repeat the point. "Eru-chan has big hidden boobs." And they all, including Eru, laugh. And bow their heads sullenly. "We can’t use this stuff." You can’t, but I can… blonde, British, and busty? WE HAVE A NEW ANIME POPEY! (+4)

18:51 – So off to see Sensei at the hospital, with a protesting FNC. Despite her friends’ reassurance that she was able to talk to him at the fair, she storms off back home. So, they go in to sign in… and none of them new Sensei-kun’s name.

Back to Funco walking around outside, who is reflecting that she really should go, but she has trouble with that. But then she sees him, smoking a cigarette and leaning on a pedestrian bridge railing. Unnecessary shot of her chest as she walks over ?" (-1)

19:56 – So she yells at him for smoking near the hospital. He sees her... and has ‘Nam flashbacks to a week ago. SOME FOLKS ARE BORN, BORN TO WAVE THE FLAG, OOH THAT RED WHITE AND BLUE

"I won’t shoot you." (+1) As he cowers with his hands up.
"Really?" "I’m not THAT violent!"

So he apologizes for the insult and she asks how is. He’s fine now… even though his head is still bandaged. Then he apologizes for setting her off, that he had a lot to take in and was in shock. She says it’s okay. "Are all of your friends the same way?"

20:38 - "Yeah. All of the girls are."
"I thought so." *sudden headpat, Funco blushes hard* "Make sure you take care of yourself."

20:54 – So Funco starts having a breakdown, that she’s gonna think about that again. "If he grips me with his big hands…"

And grabs the front of her skirt and dances around like she’s gonna pee… or climax. (-4) "I’m going to…"

And Sensei continues… "They say it’s especially bad for a girl’s lower parts to get cold." WUT. (-2)

Apparently, that was also Funco’s reaction. "Huh? What are you talking about?"
"School rules say all middle school girls have to wear thongs, right? That must be pretty tough."
K-CHAK (+1)


21:22 – And over the dakka we hear a shrill cry of "BAKAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

21:35 – And back at school, "Sensei will be out even longer. And Funco-kun, you are suspended for three days."

And end credits. Which sound like a love ballad and quickly get to clothed, but ecchi shots of the girls (butts, chests, napes, frontal kneeling hoping for a pantsu peek). Yes, I have to keep scoring apparently even during the goddamn end credits. (-4)

22:13 – HOLY JESUS. That’s a flat out ecchi pin-up of Ichiyon. (-5)

And a bending over Jiisuri. (-3) Cameltoe and open shirt on FAL. (-4)

Well, the barely-legal porn is over at least. Now it’s just kawaii shots of our middle schoolers having fun, looking at the sun set. And then ending with Sensei-kun walking up next to her, and Funco giving him a warm, loving smile. (-2)

TOTAL SCORE: -74

Quoted from Eru-chan:

This is disgusting, I love it, and I can't wait to sit down and read through it.

Oh, it’s gonna get so much worse… <3

Was expecting a video duel of chili pepper eating or something, but turns out it's mental torture instead :p

Physical pain is temporary and fades. The images will live on forever.

Yeah, it’s no Manehattan.

Manehattan? Is there a horse pun for everything? >_>

Hehe. Farts.

I was actually going for 'bubble butt', but you accurately guessed the intellectual level of my sense of humor.

Congrats, you guessed that the gun on the wall would be used in the plot, Ensign Chekov.

Hooray! Do I get to graduate Plot Structure Analysis 101 now?

HOLY SHIT SIPPY GAVE A PLUS

I do that, yes, believe it or not. I'm harsh, but not unfair.

ON THE PONIES?! THOU SHALT NOT CLOP, SINNER!

...Alright, full disclosure: I did not actually mean to write reproduction there. The goddamn Trump joke made me brain fart and humiliate myself. Go on, laugh at my expense.

ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL
Wait, wrong Legion.

It's not even Legion who says that line! Shame on you! >_>

Oi, mate, you’re pretty seriously endangering your reputation tossing all of these pluses around. What happened to the unrelenting negativity?

If it means that much to you, I can wait until I'm in a bad mood before I review my next episode.

Tsk tsk. Original Review Run Sipia wouldn’t even recognize you!

He shouldn't! It'd be bad if I hadn't changed a bit during the years since!

Manehattan? Is there a horse pun for everything? >_>

"Of course, of course," said the horsey horse.

Hooray! Do I get to graduate Plot Structure Analysis 101 now?

Almost. A couple more exams and then a final paper.

I do that, yes, believe it or not. I'm harsh, but not unfair.

That's what I'd tell my students about getting an A in my lab.

...Alright, full disclosure: I did not actually mean to write reproduction there. The goddamn Trump joke made me brain fart and humiliate myself. Go on, laugh at my expense.

It's not even Legion who says that line! Shame on you! >_>

Oh no. I've been bad.

Are you going to spank me? <_<

If it means that much to you, I can wait until I'm in a bad mood before I review my next episode.

Nah, more pluses are a good thing.

He shouldn't! It'd be bad if I hadn't changed a bit during the years since!

Once again, Sippy speaks wisdom far beyond his years.

Good stuff. Now, continue the suffering.

I think Moff's anime would be almost illegal in Sweden, with all that loli making you squirm with mental pain. But I'm currently reading this in a packed train on the way home from work, probably surrounded by at least a handful of avid viewers. Oh Tokyo I love you but you're bringing me down.

Just an aside, but I now get ads about some sort of free online game about horse breeding and it looks suspiciously like it's a dating sim for degenerates. The advertising algorithm has somehow found something that vaguely matches both subjects of this thread in the worst way possible. >_>

Hey, it's keeping the servers running.

I wonder what sorta ads Moff'll start getting, then

I get the Stepmom one frequently.

And that f**king Game of Thrones thing constantly. Look, I have nothing against Maisie Williams, but I'm starting to develop a pathological issue with her face.

[This message has been edited by Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo (edited 11-11-2019 @ 05:07 PM).]

I usually get big banners at the bottom about a gym or something about fitness (pfft!) and businesses from nearby towns, though I've also seen the Game of Thrones one.

That reminds me, remember that crappy online game Evony or whatever? The one that ripped assets from AoK and the clickbaity ads with hot women plastered in them for some reason? Didn't said ads find their way into this place from time to time in the past?

I get very relevant ads.

Oh, now I have "These German Hearing Aids are Going Viral."

And oliver, yours is pretty relevant to my review, at least. I feel soiled and in need of cleaning afterward.

Have you been having secret relations with my hearing aids, Moffster?!

I get Facebook ads because I don't have one.

And a mix of all of the above, plus a few random and irrelevant ones. I'm almost inscrutable.

Paddle my stern and call me a silly pony... A SNEAK PEEK OF PART TWO!

0:00 - Ah, now we do the OP at the beginning. Which does sound cute. Maybe it's better when I don't start off angry at the show for existing. Hopefully the ED isn't filthy loli porn this time.

EPISODE TWO: GO FOR IT! PASS IT!
1:33 - And two gunshots after reading the title. Are gonna get an extra bang for each episode? I don't remember if Episode 12 just had a burst of dakka.

...I kinda hope so.

1:40 - They're holding those ammo cans like lunchboxes. Please tell me they use ammo cans for lunchboxes. You need to redeem yourself, show.

1:49 - Bad CGI shell casing awkwardly tumbles by. (-1)

2:04 - YESSSSSSSSSSSSS (+3)


2:07 - Ah, so Sig is shooting whole the other three have a picnic. Ichiroku approves heartily.

2:13 - And then Funco helpfully explains - long range shooting practice is trying to put ten rounds into the vital zones of a human target 500 meters away. Yes, they are training to deliver lethal shots.

Is it... is it bad that I find this kawaii?

2:24 - So of the group, Sig is clearly the time sniper. In fact, she's so good that she might "hold her own with the higher-caliber upperclassmen in the high school division."

Why, you ask? Well, because the Swiss are Swiss! No, seriously. "Because Switzerland's full of mountains!" And when you're shooting between mountain ranges, you need to be able to aim at that kind of distance. The manga also mentions that she gets a special ammunition that's a bit heavier nosed, with a higher powder charge, so the round is less susceptible to wind deflection and has a longer range.

Toldja this shit was gonna get technical when it's not all ecchi.

3:17 - "Eru wouldn't be able to hit a target at that range if she spent all day."
*Eru grunts in agreement*
Girl, you don't gotta take that.

3:26 - Ah. Ichiroku then said it'd be fine for Sig to do all of the shooting while they snack... because they're all the same caliber. This is where the bullet type discussion comes in, as ranted by Gun Guy Anime R. Lee Ermey. (+1)

3:56 - And then we head over to the high school to see Fal and Ichiyon. Jiisuri shows up; apparently she was summoned. Good trigger and barrel discipline by Fal.

And apparently they're hatching a scheme to cause trouble for Funco and friends. DUN DUN DUN!

4:35 - And then right back to the assault rifles, who are viewing their midterm exam results. Ichiroku challenges Funco to a grade duel... and Funco wins. Handily. But at least Ichiroku beat out Eru. Poor Eru.

While Sig set the curve. Announced by a Swiss yodel, no less. (+1)

5:11 - Ah, now it comes together. So, their scores aren't great and they're looking at remedial classes. Ichiroku, as usual, isn't bothered and cheerfully expresses this. But then Ichiyon onee-san shows up, blocking their way.. in a manner just a bit too suggestive to let slide. Well, it was a decent not-quite four minutes. (-1)

So Ichiyon tells them they have to take extra classes until they get 100 on all of their makeup exams. Damn, I wish I could do that. The assault rifles are horrified, saying they'll never do it in 300 years. Um... shot through Ichiyon's knee? (-1)

So, that's where the onee-sans come in... bonus round. As an aside, I think Fal's supposed to be attractive... but this close up is disturbing. Ichiyon looks reasonable at the angle, but the ultra-detail coupled with the simplistic face shape just makes Fal look creepy. (-2)


Also, don't lewd 17-year olds. You creepers.

5:31 - Ah, so if the girls can defeat... erm, the girls? If the Main Four can beat their onee-sans, they'll be exempt from remedial lessons. Because... students have the power to excuse other students? What kind of borked-ass education system is this?

5:35 - "It's on, Funco."



And on that note, this sneak preview is over. Stay tuned for more Upotte!! from me and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic from Lord Sipia.

Right then, before Moff overtakes me or this thread goes entirely off topic into weird advertisements, I suppose I’d better get back to it.

MAY THE BEST PET WIN

Never thought MLP would promote illegal activities like making your pets fight, but okay.

0:35
Everybody gangsta till the owls start barking

0:44
“Is this weird, or is it just me?”
Wish I knew! Is an owl with a dog’s head weird in this universe?

0:58
JESUS
I don’t know what I was expecting to happen next, but it certainly wasn’t the cat being the tongue.

1:10
Ah, a nightmare, right...

2:10
“Say you’re sorry, Opal!”
[foul hiss]
“...She’s sorry.”
People like Rarity are always the worst at disciplining their pets, aren’t they? They get one to pamper and make pretty, not to actually raise as a living animal. I can’t stand that attitude.

3:33
Ah crap, it’s a song. I guess there’s no avoiding that. You know, I do believe I’ve actually become much more appreciative of all manner of music since my last bout of reviews for this show years ago. But I regret to tell you, I still can’t stand the songs in this show any more than I used to. (-10)

3:43
A duet, no less. Great. >_>

4:06
“Cutesy-wutesy? Have you even met me?”
She says it like a rhetorical question, but a rainbow-colored little pegasus with proportionally massive eyes is sickeningly cutesy as far as I’m concerned. >_>

4:36
Otters? Seals? Up till now you’ve listed fairly common pets, but I think those are relatively high-maintenance, don’t you think? Where’d you even get a seal this far inland? Fluttershy, did you steal that one from the zoo?! Do ponies HAVE a zoo?! Why am I asking these useless questions?!?!

4:38
“Otters and seals do not fly.”
“Maybe not, but seals in particular catch up to ten feet of air when they breach the water.”
Congratulations, you can technically call this show edutainment now. ...Have a point for the fun fact. (+1)

5:03
Ladybugs, crickets, squirrels... Rainbow keeps highlighting that she wants a fast, ‘cool’ pet that can fly and Fluttershy hasn’t suggested a single bird yet, which I think would be the obvious category from the onset. She’s not very good at this, is she?

5:30
“I’m sensing you want an animal that can fly.”
“Ya think?”
Good grief, finally. You could’ve saved me two minutes of dull singing. That was so pointless. (-5)

5:53
Letting a falcon and an eagle land on your arms (well, forelegs) without any protection is... inadvisable. Be glad this is a children’s cartoon, or that’d leave a mark.

5:57
A bat? I’m not sure it likes being brought out in the daylight, Ms. Animal Lover. >_>

6:12
“...But the wasp I’m digging too!”
Said no one, ever.

6:18
“I’ve got a hot pink flamingo just dying to meet you!”
No kidding. It really looks like it’s about to die. Get that thing away from me, please. (-1)

7:04
“And may the best pet win!”
Okay, she said it, can I go now? >_>

8:45
“This isn’t a game, you know!”
Per definition, a competition is a game of sorts.

Well, given all this focus and attention on the tortoise and how it’s set up as the underdog of the lot, obviously it’s going to be the surprise winner.

9:06 – 9:10
“Coolness! Awesomeness! And radicalness!”
“Aren’t those all the same thing?”
Funny thing about such subjective values; they can be used synonymously, but they can also have different meanings depending on context, such as if they’re used contrastively like Rainbow is doing here. In other words, if Rainbow says they mean different things, then they do (in this particular case). I would guess that ‘coolness’ implies an ability to maintain composure regardless of circumstances, ‘awesomeness’ refers to impressive standout features, and ‘radicalness’ suggests a counter-mainstream and anti-authority attitude. (Why you would want that last quality in a pet is anybody’s guess but Rainbow’s, though.)

There’s your unwanted semantics lecture for the day. If I’m going to be bored, then so will you.

9:40
Look at the swagger on that falcon, though. (+1)

10:06
Ha! Even the camera is underwhelmed. Okay, that was decently funny. Nice instance of non-verbal meta humor. (+5)

10:29
“I’m gonna have to shave a point off your score pad.”
Well hey, she said it, not me. (-1)

10:47
Aww, come on, falcon! Are you really scared of a common house cat?

10:54
I call hax. Beautifly cannot learn Hypnosis.

11:12
Wait, hold on—Rainbow is wearing a falconer’s glove (or whatever the pony equivalent is called) there! So what was up with Fluttershy earlier?

12:18
B’aww, the eagle has a knitting hobby and isn’t afraid to show it. (+2)

12:19
Oh come now Rainbow, there’s nothing more radical than being at peace with who you are regardless of what others might say. Why you gotta be so judgemental? (-5)

12:21
Well if you don’t return the card, of course the falcon’s not gonna pull it from the deck. Don’t you know how magic tricks work, Rainbow? >_>

12:38
“Whoa, that was awesome! ...But this is the radicalness competition so, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to take some points off.”
Well to be fair, none of the others were very radical either. Except the eagle, and you didn’t acknowledge that. >_>

12:45
This is wildly unethical. I mean it’s a cartoon, but holy shit that tortoise might actually get killed if you let this happen.

12:48
...Never mind.

13:48
“DUN DUN DUNNN!”
I somehow get the feeling that Moff will get mad at me if I don’t acknowledge this scene. I don’t have anything to say about it, though, so... *shrug*

13:50
“Gesundheit.”
Do... eagles sneeze? Hold on, let me look it up real quick... Alright yeah they do. But it doesn’t sound like that, so no edutainment points for you, MLP. Nyah-nyah.

14:30
Ah, Flight of the Valkyries. Now might be a good time to remind you that this song is primarily famous in pop culture today due to its inclusion of that famous helicopter scene in Apocalypse Now. Director Francis Ford Coppola, in turn, used it to reference Nazi Germany’s love for Wagner’s music in propaganda as well as the song’s first cinematic usage in Birth of a Nation (during a scene when the noble KKK knights ride in to... well, do what the KKK thinks it does), the intended effect being to make you question American self-righteousness.

You know, some nice historico-cultural context for your colorful cartoon ponies.

15:45
Alright, so the focus of this episode is which of these animals would make a good pet for Rainbow. But I think the better question is whether Rainbow makes a good owner for any of them, and the answer’s clearly no because she’s completely irresponsible. I mean, look—she’s pressuring them to go through this increasingly hazardous route for no reason other than to impress her, and she’s not even coaching or supervising them through any of it (and it’s clear none of them did this before). I don’t think that’s the message they were going for, but that’s what I’m reading into it. (-10)

16:18
“AVALAAAAANCHE!”
And then she gets herself and all those animals in even more danger because she’s not paying attention. God damn it Rainbow, you don’t deserve a pet.

16:40
“No, come back, don’t leave me!”
Hey look at that, you taught them by example.

17:40
And what do you know, the tortoise saves her so he’s gonna end up winning. What an unexpected surprise, they really kept me on my toes throughout this. (-5)

18:00
“Huh, something’s not right here.”
She says with no sense of urgency whatsoever. Your friend doesn’t return from the Gratuitously Dangerous Gorge and she’s like “Hmm, yes, my friend™ is not here at the moment, most curious.”

18:30
Moving the goalposts when it suits you, I see. >_>

18:48
“Thank goodness you’re not hurt, Rainbow!”
“Just my pride...”
...And your wing, judging by the bandages. ...Where’d you even get those?

19:30
“Should we sing about it again?”
NO.

20:05
So the lesson here is that actually stopping to help somebody in peril is vastly more important than anything else. But, again, that’s mighty hypocritical of Rainbow considering she never expressed any concern for the animals’ safety.

Look at that poor falcon. First it was instructed that being the fastest is the most important, and then it’s punished for it. This show unintentionally made one of its main characters look like a complete twat. (-10)

20:14
Aww, and it’s sporting about it, too. You didn’t deserve that falcon, Rainbow. Frankly, I don’t understand why that tortoise is so dead set on sticking with you either.

21:00
“He’s like a... a tank!”
Why do I hear Moff singing in German in the distance?

21:28
And in a plot twist, the newly-named Tank becomes a helicopter, which brings us round to Wagner’s music again. Remember kids, Nazi and KKK propaganda.

Final score: -38

Also, not-so-fun fact: Tortoises are high-maintenance pets. If you don't take proper care of them, their life will be agony. Considering how poorly Rainbow does with responsibilities and obligations, this is a recipe for disaster. She's eventually gonna end up intentionally freezing the poor thing to death so it doesn't have to suffer from her negligence any longer.

“Should we sing about it again?”
NO.

YES. B͖͇͙͉͎̀ͅu̧͖͎ţ̙͙̫ ͍̝̕i̸̠͘n̛̲͍̥̲̹͓̻͜ ̧̺͎͓̯͓͚̘̞G̳͈͚͘ẹ̡̞̺͇̦̙r̛̗̰̘̠̩͓m̨͍͓͎̣̩͇̱͚͝a̛͓̲̞̲̦͇̖͉͘n̯̤̞̟̤̗̗͘

[This message has been edited by Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo (edited 11-15-2019 @ 07:11 AM).]

Morsgrisar är vi allihopa... Wait, wrong language
(we're all mother's pig(let)s (in Swedish))


Anyways, I think I watched Upotte at some point, but looking at those images really drives home again how terrible the art style looks (not to my tastes). Strangely, I'm enjoying Sippycup's reviews despite never having watched MLP so I've no idea what he's talking about Maybe I like his suffering.

I'm very frightened by Upotte

Quoted from Popura:

I'm very frightened by Upotte

Me too.

And on that bombshell... WE CONCLUDE EPISODE 2! PAAAANTSU... VOR! No, wait, that's wrong...

First off, (-3) for a Tarantino shot of Eru during the picnic. I did the sneak peek before turning in, thinking it would be a nice, light writing exercise.

5:36 - Now we're with Sensei-kun.

5:40 - He walks past a sign that says "take care of your magazine lips." Eww. Well, at least he got used to this insanity. Until...

5:49 - He walks into a classroom of armed lolis sighting, cleaning, and loading their gun selves. So he grabs the ammo boxes and magazines and hurls them away!

Britain and Belgium: Hawawawa!
'MURICA: DON'T YOU TOUCH MY F**KIN' BULLETS

Also, this reminds me of Garfield in the animation.

And when Ichiroku tries to tell him that they need those bullets, he snaps at her to shut up and that they don't need ammo in his class. Can I do that with phones in lab?

6:22 - So while Sensei-kun scrawls on the board, we see the arrangement Fal and Ichiyon made. Capture the flag... WITH GUNS. The game will be on the school grounds after classes let out. At four o'clock... it begins.

6:40 - After the flashback, Ichiroku tells Funco (who she calls "Fucco"? O_o) (-1) that it's all her fault that Sensei-kun hates guns so much. Maybe it's your STUPID ORANGE SLICE HAIRPIN.

Let's stop a moment. Why are there gun girls? Yeah, yeah, boat girls, tank girls, train girls, plane girls... that trend. But why this focus on guns? Well, how do you say "girl" in Japanese? 少女, or "shōjo." As in the whole anime genre. And then you have... 小銃, or "Shōjū" - rifle. Yes... this whole thing is predicated on a pun.

Thanks, Japan.

6:43 - Aww yeah! Chalk strike to the middle of the head! DOUBLE KILL... on Funco and Ichiroku. Sensei's a lot more accurate with chalk than rifles. (+1)

Of course, maybe if Funco hadn't so loudly objected to Ichiroku's objection...

6:56 - So we're after class, and Eru, Funco, and Ichiroku are planning while Sig is packing up (she scored third overall on midterms, so she's in no danger of remedial courses). Two high school guns versus three middle schoolers... we have limited range but if we work to together, we should be able to do it!

Sig quietly asks, "So where's the flag?" But gets ignored. Fucco becomes Fukko because why not. (-1)

7:24 - So, now we cover the rules... and our three contestants have tied red ballons... um... to their heads?

Surely a laser sight would be better to have attached to your head.
So, either snag the flag or pop the ballons. But if their ballons are popped, they lose.

7:40 - So now they merrily totsugeki down the hallway, guns drawn. With smooth jazz action music playing. This show is a truly surreal experience.

7:56 - They are doing a reasonable facsimile of cover and move tactics, though. (+1) And they come to the first wide open spot between the schools, where they'll be clearly exposed and visible. Ichiroku, despite her dumb jock mannerisms, clearly has a tactical mind. (+1)

8:28 - So they head off through the woods for cover, with Ichiroku noting that it'd be super embarrassing to snag your balloon on a branch and get knocked out that way. Gee, I wonder what's gonna happen?

8:31 - Dammit, Eru.

8:37 - And then someone puts a bullet about a foot away from Ichiroku's head.

8:59 - So Eru is throwing up branches to conceal Ichiroku... which Ichiyon sees from her sniping point. That's bad, though, because Eru is out... so now she's in extra trouble...

And Ichiyon misses her little sister's balloon by about half an inch. So she's in an old school building behind them, while the high school is in front of them. They're in a nice little kill box. It's about 200 meters to the old building, so Ichiroku goes that way to battle Onee-san while telling Funco to continue with the flag capture plan. So... 3 shorter range against 2 longer range just because two one-on-one duels. That's a bad plan, Ichiroku. (-1)

So Ichiroku needs to cover 100 meters to get in range of her burst setting. Then we pause the action to describe burst fire: three shots fired consecutively with each trigger pull. Except then we repeat the ammunition conservation nonsense.

Well, at least by the end of this series, you Europonies and Yankee Leftponies should be able to see through all of that silly "assault weapon" nonsense. (+2) for educational content!

9:39 - Jesus, you actually shot the guy using the M16A1 in the educational clip.

9:43 - Ah, now the warped educational system is explained. Seishou is a combination elementary, middle, and high school. Kawaii MP5 is kawaii. (+2) LOOK ON HER!


So, as the image implies... which school you go to depends on your ammunition.
High school - 7.62x51 NATO
Middle School - 5.56x45 NATO
Elementary - Pistol rounds

As a consequence, and this is actually important, high school guns have more recoil per shot and so are very hard to control in fully automatic firing modes. We specifically see Ichiyon being thrown around like she's using a comedy firehose from each burst of full auto fire. Mr. Narrator helpfully explains that makes it very hard to hit specific targets.

HINT HINT WINK WINK POI POI

But her "Rau rau raau" is actually funny. (+1)

10:03 - Assault rifles, thanks to their lighter rounds, have more accurate automatic fire. So you can also carry more rounds, shoot them faster, and more accurately... within a certain range. At that point, external ballistics considerations takes over and the lower mass of the bullet becomes a liability despite the generally higher (by about 200 m/s) muzzle velocity. No, this isn't all from the show.

...No, I'm not narrator-kun. And I didn't write this show... or the guns would be about 7 years older. <_<

Oh. Maybe I am narrator-kun, because he added that part after I wrote it. But I'm not... yet. >_>

10:58 - Funco gets to the high school building, so the range discrepancy disappears. She reaches for a door, and we see Fal sighting down a hallway at what appears to be said door.

Ah, then Funco lets go of the handle and Fal dakkas the BALLS out of that door. Interestingly, 7.62 doesn't penetrate it. Armored doors on the gungirl schools?

11:40 - Dangerously close to setting up a pantsu shot, and you lingered for a good second, show. I know your ways. (-3)

11:56 - And then Fal starts monologuing... saying she's sorry that Funco thinks there's only two of them. RUH-ROH.

11:59 - A WILD JIISURI APPEARS

JIISURI USED ADVANCED GERMAN TECHNOLOGY - VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK

ASH IS DEAD

But Funco's fine, so it's okay.

12:08 - Because someone just put two slugs through the windows next to Jiisuri. She was about to ram a 7.62 right through that balloon. But if Funco is there, and Ichiroku is charging Ichiyon...

12:16 - Panty shot on Jiisuri. (-4)

12:26 - Hello, Sig! So she's sniping the snipers... see, that bullshit in the beginning paid off! This show actually pays off its random gun facts! (+1)

12:34 - Aaaand sneaky pantsu on Sig. Shoooooowwww... you were earning so much green. (-5)

12:37 - So Ichiyon lines up for a shot on Sig... but is already being sighted down. Three shots send Ichiyon scrambling, making an opening for Ichiroku.

12:54 - So Ichiroku is now shooting up the old building with her burst mode. Chunks of stuff are flying everywhere... don't you empty out unused classrooms? At uni, we gut unused or just-vacated spaces.

13:03 - Oh snap. Ichiyon flipped the selector to full auto. NO AIRPLANE IS SAFE.

Dat dakka tho. Even the sound is great. (+2)

13:11 - Unfortunately, as the helpful educational cutaway told us... a battle rifle in full auto mode essentially enrolls you in the Disney Imperial Stormtrooper Corps (they were good shots in the OT and I'll f**king fight you if you think otherwise). So we see bullet splashes all around Ichiroku, while she mocks her sister.

13:16 - One of Ichiyon's stray shots actually punches through Eru's skirt. Eru is still in the woods. So her eyes basically roll back in her hand and she drops to her knees with a "kyuuuuuuu..." It's kinda cute, so half point. (+0.5)

13:59 - Bitching electronic music. Reminds me of the good old days of Megarace. (+1) So, Sig is shooting and scooting, plus a little psyops to tease out who her immediate threats her. She identifies Jiisuri, then ducks down into a classroom.

Somehow they're talking to each other, and kinda responding even if there's no way they can actually hear each oth--HOLY SHIT


14:21 - So now Fal... knows Jiisuri is abandoning the plan for her snipers' duel. But she still gives an ojou-sama chuckle.

14:48 - Funco has infiltrated, and guessing where Ichiyon and Fal are... she's determined the flag is undefended. So she's just gonna cap out.

Except the door she opens is the boys' locker room. Gun... boys? WHAT HERESEY IS THIS?!

14:58 - Meanwhile, a London and North Eastern Railway engine blows its whistle. Coincidentally, Funco turns incandescent red.

15:03 - So Funco runs away in comedic art shift, "Iaaaaaaaaa ie ie ie." Ah, apparently that was the soccer club. So, the boys are all balls. <_<

But the art shift was cute. (+1)

15:26 - Oh. Fal is cheating. She is the flag. You twat. (-3)

15:29 - More bad CGI shell casings that look like they're 700 years old. (-1)

15:38 - Uh-oh. Ichiroku took cover behind a tree... with drops spiky things! And Ichiyon noticed... so while Ichiroku is planning to get onee-chan all riled up to make her spend all of her ammo...

16:03 - The spiky fruits talk. Okay then. Ah, they are chestnuts.

16:14 - "Fu fu fu. And you thought I was nuts."
And then Ichiroku righteously gives her sister shit for making bad puns.

16:32 - And a series of flashbacks of Ichiyon ruining everything with horrible puns. (+1)

16:48 - So, to not lose to Ichiyon, Ichiroku flips her gun around like a bat and smacks a chestnut straight into onee-chan's balloon. And then one pops her balloon. And they both have perfect OΔO faces.(+1)

So for the heroes, Ichiroku and Eru are out. Sig is pinch hitting. For the baddies, Ichiyon is out, Jiisuri is pinch hitting, and Fal is cheating. They're even calling each other (though Jiisuri, of course, has a bluetooth headset instead of putting a phone to her ear. BECAUSE DEUTSCHLAND).

17:44 - And then Jiisuri... hikes up her skirt... (-3)

And smash cut to a cornered Funco, staring down Onee-chan past a fountain.

17:56 - "At this distance, we're on a level playing field, Fal onee-chan."
"I wouldn't be so sure."

YOU CAN'T SHOOT THROUGH SPRAYING WATER, FUNCO. SHE CAN. You're a dummyhead.

18:00 - And Fal promptly demonstrates, ducking behind the fountain and donking a shot clean through the water and about two inches away from Funco's right ear. Funco blazes away, but her shots scatter around Fal.

18:22 - Then Fal explains to Funco what I screamed at you all.

18:26 - Another crouching Funco, just-hidden-pantsu shot. -_- (-4)

And apparently just charging a prepared enemy with a fully automatic rifle at about 10 meters doesn't work either, though Funco does manage to get back behind the fountain with her balloon intact.

19:03 - Funco gets sneaky and sticks her barrel through the fountain and takes blind shot at Fal. Fal dodges, grabs the rifle, and yanks Funco through...

And executes her balloon with prejudice. :p

19:19 - But then Fal says Funco did good by managing to graze her balloon, and also pressing forward instead of giving up. Aww, then a sisterly headpat.

You still cheated, telling Funco there were two instead of three, and making yourself the flag. So f**k you.(-3)

19:56 - Turns out capture-the-flag-with-extreme-dakka is the remedial course!


20:02 - So they all got out of it... except Eru-chan. Well, at least they didn't show her pissing herself like the manga.

20:05 - Ichiroku, re: Eru - "Having all of your shots in a 20cm spread is tough! My sister ends up having a spread more than ten meters wide!"
Sig - "I wonder how Jiisuri-senpai was minimizing the recoil from her full auto!"

20:50 - And at the high school, they were chatting about the exercise... Jiisuri said Sig was so good she had to break out her trump card. Fal is horrified. "You went that far? Something that shameless?"

20:56 - And Ichiyon wants to know what it is. Ara... ah, it's just a secret technique to keep recoil under control.

21:02 - Oof, even Jiisuri blushing and stammering now. "Y-you told me to keep her busy!"

21:07 - Um, Ichiyon has sprouted cat ears, her right hand is a cat paw... SHE HAS A TAIL... and :3 face with double fang. (-2)

Even nautical nonsense makes more sense than this.

21:17 - So Ichiyon really presses the reluctant Jiisuri to find out the secret... and Jiisuri finally lets slip, "But you don't have a bipod."
"I'll put one on! I'll force it on if I have to!"

21:26 - And at the high school range...

"Take your socks off first."
I don't like this one fudging bit.

"Now put the gun barrel here like this, abd keep your body like this." Funco-style near pantsu on Ichiyon while she's sitting and being positioned by Jiisuri. (-3)

The gun is going between her knees. I DON'T LIKE THIS.

21:39 - "Now put your legs up like this."
"CHOTTO MATTE"

I agree 100% with Ichiyon. (-2)

21:40 - Oh bloody hell, I suppose that's a touch dicey but not where I thought they'd go with it.


So, Ichiyon fires a burst... gets it in the inner ring of the bullseye. But complains its embarrassing. Yes, but with this show, it could be worse. So I won't remove any more points... but I'm not giving any back, either.

Oh shit, the end credits now. Yep, this is gonna be a built--Jesus, I forgot how bad the Ichiyon pinup was, and Fal looks practically futa in that shot--a built in massive red chunk. Kind of a shame, because the song is nice and peaceful sounding. Of course, not sure what they're actually saying so it could be filthy loli lewdness to match the pictures. Oh well... (-12)

Oh... kurwa my face, the next episode is called "Wash and Scrub." >_>

TOTAL SCORE: -37.5

Quoted from Sendai-san:

Maybe I like his suffering

His tears are delicious. And make excellent gun oil! Which we're gonna see next...

And now I'm crying.

[This message has been edited by Uchuu Senkan Yamoffo (edited 11-16-2019 @ 01:05 PM).]

Ugh... after that, I need some nice music to cheer me up. Ah, this and this will do nicely. Now I feel all happy and ready to tackle to the rest of the day!

By the way, why do you know all these manga details ?