Voice Over Man: Welcome to HGNN (Heaven Games News Network). And now we go live to that-secrete-theatre-where-big-events-always-happen for the Total War Heaven Awards!Screaming forummers line the red carpet as limos arrive at the theatre.
Kate Thornton: Welcome to the December Total War Heaven awards ceremony, and it looks like it’s going to be a big one! Anybody who’s anybody’s here tonight! With me tonight I’ve got Ferret, who organised the awards. Good evening, Ferret!
Ferret: Good evening, Kate! It certainly looks massive!
Kate: Just how proud are you of the awards this year?
Ferret: Oh, very. It takes more than typing on a forum to organise something this big, and I must say it’s gone very smoothly.
Kate: Now, in the last few years we’ve had some security breaches- have you remedied the arrangements?
Ferret: Yes, we’ve got the Masked Goon and the Mysterious Figure from the last few events to beef them up.Screams erupt as Jax is the first one onto the red carpet, wearing a dressing gown. He stands on the carpet and prepares to fling it offLook, here’s an example now.
Squirrels erupt from the crowd, wielding tranquillisers, and shoot Jax before he can reveal anything.Kate: That’s… very effective. But one thing you’ve done is banned all metal items. Why?
Ferret: Well, our host is… likely to get hit by something from the sky that carries about a million volts, chucked by a big guy in a toga. We don’t want any innocents to be harmed. Anyway, he should be here soon- let’s go inside! Inside the hall. The Forummers have taken their seats, and silence reins. The curtain pulls back and… No one is on stage. It is deserted. A Cherub stands up and is about to apologise for everyone for having a wasted evening, when suddenly a noise like someone scraping a door key on piano strings starts up. Before anyone knows it, a large blue police box appears on stage. A figure emerges.EoJ: *Ahem*, sorry I’m late.
Newbs and Doctor Who fans applaud. Oldies mutter something about how long it’s taking to get to the award giving out, and that their next pill should have been taken 5 minutes ago.
EoJ: Well, you should have known that I’d do something overly-complicated and unnecessary. Anyway- Change of venue, people. I’ve got permission from Zen. Hop in, you lot. Plenty of space.Forummers crowd in (As do the security squirrels and Legionaries men), and the TARDIS fades away.Cut scene of TARDIS going through space and time before we see it land in a big… sandy area?
EoJ: (Getting out Well, here we are!
Camera pans out and it turns out we’re in the Coliseum at the height of Titus’ reign. Packed crowds cheer as EoJ sends the forummers scurrying to their places.EoJ: Good evening, Rome!Crowd cheerAnd have we got a show for you in the Total War Heaven Awards tonight! But to watch over the proceedings, may we present the only two people in the world with more power than the emperors- It’s GloryofSparta and Crazed Ewok!The two Seraphs elbow Titus out the way in the royal box, and wave to the crowds
And now, on with the show! Our first award today is the favourite nickname award. Well, who better to win it than Mr. MisplacedEmo?Misplaced cuts himself on the wrists in happiness, and blood goes everywhere. EoJ: Ugh, I think we’ll need some more sand to cover up the mess. Now, onto our next award- the Most Improved. Competition was stiff, too, this year but the winner is Domicius!Domicius singularly dispatches 3 Gladiators and an Elephant to show how his sword skills have improved EoJ: Well, his sword skills have certainly improved, that’s for sure. Give him a big hand, you Romans!Crown applauds as bodies are cleared away. One cleaner trips and falls flat in elephant dung EoJ: Nasty! Now for the third award this evening- the most practical/realistic. The winner is He113ent!
He113ent: Ah, but you know what gets me? How come we’ve ended up in ancient Rome using a police box? It’s actually impossi-
EoJ: Guards! Get him off the stage before he ruins the moment!Legionaries appear from nowhere, and knock He113ent out. EoJ: That was close. Now for the presentation of most predictable forummer. So, predictably…Crowd groans Hey, it wasn’t that bad! Anyway, the winner is Seany!
Seany approaches EoJ, takes the award and starts to speak, only to find the crowd finishing his words for him. He sits down again EoJ: I think that you deserved the award, Seany, after that. Now for the- oh dear- most Unpredictable award. This is coveted in (Glances meaningfully at nominees) certain quarters, but I’m afraid this year it’s none other than Doikie! Doikie launches himself off the top tier of the Arena and falls with a splat. EoJ: Ah… That may make presenting any other awards he’s got slightly difficult. Anyway, the next award is most intelligent. Now we thought that, as well as presenting him the award, we might as well ask him the Answer of life. So, Furius, what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
Furius: 42. Duh.
EoJ: You heard it here first, folks! Well, now we’ve reached the- how much? Quarter way mark? That it? Well, we’d better get a move on! The Nicest forummer award goes to none other than Kromo and- wait! Me! Well, since I’m nice, I’ll give you the award to keep, Kromo until next year.Kromo: No, I insist, you must take it.EoJ: Really? Thanks! (Snatches award)Well, if only everyone was as nice as him. So, now we have the ‘Best thread’ award. Now, this is an interesting award to give out, as you can’t actually give it to a person. So, it’s my greatest pleasure to unveil the Winner’s Plaque!Fanfare as a small plaque is revealed on the wall, bearing the inscription ‘Best thread 2006- The Quotes threadEoJ: Well, that’ll be an interesting find for the archaeologists in a few thousand years. Now for the best thread maker. It's none other than Gaius!Gaius comes up and acceptsNow, where were we?Crowd shouts ‘Best Duo/Trio award!’EoJ: Took the words right out of my mouth. So, here are the joint winners- Gaius, Furius and Arch and- oo-err- Gaius, Furius and He113ent!The 5 charge into the main arena and kill 15 Gladiators, 3 lions, 2 leopards and an Elephant for an encore EoJ: Now, that’s what I call an acceptance speech! Now for the best signature award. We asked the very best sculptures in the whole of the Empire to make a copy of the winner. Unfortunately, we only got the deal if we were to advertise them and affiliated businesses, thus breaking the CoC. So, Mods look away now!Commercial banner-bearers run across the now blood-soaked arena floor. Forummers behind Mods in the crowd put blindfolds on them, while up in the imperial box Titus puts his hands over GoS’ and Crazed’s eyes.EoJ: Thanks, Titus. (Spies a commercial-banner-bearer for a local brothel still lurking on the sand) Shoo! Gettout! Yeah, run if you want to still be alive this time yesterday! So, here is the lovely sculpture!Slaves wheel in a statue of an odd thing with 4 wheels painted greenEoJ: That looks like a Lambagreenie, so it can only mean that our winner is Yak!Yak Jumps in and tries to drive the car, and fails due to it being made of stone.So, anyway, back the schedule. Where was I? Ah, thanks Yak- it’s no surprise that you won most helpful award after picking up my notes for me. Landslide victory, too.Oldies mutter about that joke being in Firefox’s presentation EoJ: Hey, I couldn’t think of anything for that bit! (Singles out one forummer in the crowd) You! He113ent! So you think you’re funny, huh? Well, according to our democratic system you’re right! Come up and collect your award!He113ent walks up to EoJ, takes the award, looks up and double takes. The crowd collapses in laughter EoJ: Heh, that was pretty good. So, now for the best War Story. Fairly close, but the winner is Empires by Azn!Azn steps up, collects the award and pulls out a copy of EmpiresAzn: Only 1 denerii in the forum! While stocks last!
EoJ: No advertising, dammit! So, now for the- oh dear- craziest forummer. Well, who could really win it but Seany, our resident English Patriot?Seany walks up, smashes EoJ with the award and sits downEoJ: Guards! Get him! My nose…Sword and buckler men stand up and detain Seany, while a squirrel forces a straight jacket onto himEoJ: And if you’re a good boy I may let you have a cell without the English flags on the wall. Now, anyway, where was I again? Most mature, that’s right. So, Furius, I expect you to set an example to our errant Scot here, OK?
Furius: I’ll try.
EoJ: Good man. Now for the best Newbie- another with a landslide result. So, Domicius, come and get your award!Domicius wanders offEoJ: Ah, he's so new that I can't even spell his name yet... No! This way, you fool! Yeesh, Newbs these days. I mean, I never did that when I won this award.
He113ent: Yes you did!
EoJ: Quiet! Now, for best oldie. This a close one, but Archdruid just managed to edge it. Congratulations!Arch gets up, then suddenly his back goes, making him fall overEoJ: Oh well, I think it’s best if we get someone to go over to him. You! Squirrel #7! Presentation duty!Squirrel duly presents awardEoJ: You’re learning fast. Now for the funniest thread- the winning thread gets another plaque on the wall. Unfortunately, as these things are expensive, We've only got a small one.A smaller plaque is unveiled underneath the bigger one- ‘Funniest thread 2006- 'The one where Rabidnid got mouthed off'EoJ: Now for the best location award. Slightly disturbing, this winner, as it’s a staff member. One who apparently is ‘Approaching insanity’. So, Yak, have you reached it yet?
Yak:: Zumzumgeeschlich tapoledingding K*tch K*tch zum.
EoJ:… I guess that means yes… Aanyway, the next award is ‘Favourate moderator’. The winner is… Yak! Right! Legionary men #4, presentation duty- I don’t want that insane thing near me again…As the unlucky Legionary gives the award to Yak, who promptly bites his neck. The soldier goes down screaming, bleeding all over the sandEoJ: Well, if you want a job done, give it to a squirrel, no? We’ll test this theory now, as Mr. Insane has also won the coveted and rumoured to be prophetic ‘Most likely to be promoted award’. Bah- I missed it by 3 votes! Go, squirrel #9!Squirrel jumps from nowhere onto Yak’s head and rams award down Yak’s mouthEoJ: So it was right, after all. So, now for the award you’ve really been waiting for- the sexiest. Now, there seems to be a large amount of weird people, in this forum, as the winner is Jax!jax stands up and flashesEoJ: On the other hand I can see what you guys were talking about! So, now for the spelling awards- The best goes to Kromo- an example that we should all look up to- whereas the worst goes to our Favourate Scot, Mr. Seany!
Seany: That’s better.
EoJ: No, I just don’t like my nose being broken. And now for the more serious and sober award- the most missed. Competition was fierce, but our ex-seraph Adder won it. To commemorate this, we’ve set up a big statue outside of him. Silly historians- they think Nero looks like that, honestly…Crowd cheers and all the forummers do a lap of honour round the arenaEoJ: Another awards ceromany over! I hope you Romans all enjoyed it, but for us it’s back to the 21st century. But before we go, I’d just like to say it’s Goodbye from me
He113ent: And it’s goodnight from him.
EoJ: Goodnight! Go on, back in the TARDIS, you lot.The TARDIS dematerialises as sand is whipped up by the wind. Romans file out of the arena and continue on their daily lives. Camera pans upwards to the stars, where a meteor slices through the sky. String cue, then cut to catchy credits music.
At the end of the credits is a message from Ferret- 'I accept no responsibility if the Host completly mucks it up. It's all EoJ's fault. Honest.
And I shall go Softly into the Night Taking my Dreams As will You
[This message has been edited by EnemyofJupitor (edited 12-12-2006 @ 03:31 PM).]
posted 12 December 2006 12:23 EDT (US)
Lol now i gotta keep my awards up so ops ther gos the spelin 
house won this